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  Trust allows you to live in the present. The future will unfold as it needs to. The space you previously spent worrying and strategizing becomes available to enjoy. When you wake up each day, think of your mind as a garden. See how many wonderful, fine-smelling plants you can put in it. If fearful thoughts reappear, uproot them as if they were weeds before they can choke out the blossoms you’re nurturing.

  If you lapse back into fear, be gentle with yourself. Learning a new behavior is not always smooth. You’d never have learned how to walk if you hadn’t fallen down many times.

  * * *

  THE SUBSTITUTION RULE

  Every thought and behavioral pattern you have creates a neural pathway, or groove, in your brain. That’s why breaking a habit can be so hard—you are literally wired to keep repeating your past behavior. With the Substitution Rule, you don’t just try to stop doing something negative, you actively substitute a positive behavior or thought to take its place. By doing this you actually create a new neural pathway.

  Recent research suggests that it takes on average just over sixty days to create a new behavior,3 so each time you replace a fearful thought or action with a trusting thought or action, picture the neural pathways in your brain changing.

  When you catch yourself saying something fear based, such as “I’ll never be fit,” substitute it with a positive thought: “I am getting fitter and healthier each day.” And remember, what you focus on grows, so focus on what you are choosing, not on what you’re giving up!

  * * *

  When my long-term relationship broke down, other long-term single friends seemed to pounce on me. “There’s nobody out there,” they told me. “It’s a jungle. All the good ones are taken.” Of course, everything they said reinforced my deepest fear: that I’d be alone forever. I became desperate. I was a single mother with two kids and in poor health—who was ever going to want me? I started making some bad choices, which reinforced my fear that I was unlovable.

  Then someone told me to start doing the opposite of what fear wanted me to do. So I took a six-month break from dating to give myself time to recover and to prove to myself that I could be happy on my own. Each time someone asked me how I felt about being single, I repeated my new affirmation: “I trust that the right person will come when the time is right.” And the more I repeated it, the more I started to believe it. What I discovered during that time was life changing: a source of happiness within me that wasn’t dependent on another person. When I stopped trying to run the show, it somehow, magically, makes room for something more powerful to work its magic.

  —JN

  What If?

  Once you decide to start practicing trust, be prepared for fear to launch a tirade of what-ifs. What-ifs are the fear-based questions that your mind will pose once you start to even think about making positive changes.4

  Maybe you ask your boss for a raise, or you ask out the girl or guy in the coffee shop, or you enroll in the dance class full of people who look like they know all the moves perfectly. Well, those are exactly the moments when a what-if might come thundering into your head: “What if she fires me?” “What if he rejects me?” “What if I make a fool of myself in front of the whole class?”

  The moment you hear a thought that starts with “What if,” interrupt it. Halt it right in its tracks and answer it head-on with this short phrase: “I’ll handle it.”5 Whatever the what-if, use “I’ll handle it” to neutralize it. Remember, you have only three seconds to stop the what-if from taking hold, so be vigilant.

  * * *

  TYING UP YOUR CAMEL

  Trusting doesn’t mean that we stop taking action. We still have to take responsibility for our own well-being and do the footwork: put the stamp on the envelope, go for the breast examination, check out someone’s online profile before agreeing to meet him.

  What shifts is that our decisions are made on the basis of a rightsized assessment of risk—not the exaggerated versions we’ve often lived by. Fear had us trying to control outcomes. Trust asks that we let go of that control and simply do whatever needs doing. Then we let go of the outcome. There’s an old saying that goes, “We trust in God, but we still tie up our camel.”

  * * *

  Resistance

  Some of us experience huge resistance to trust. If that’s you, ask yourself whether it benefits you in any way. How does not trusting serve you? What’s the hidden payoff?

  Many of us discover that we use fear as a form of avoidance. We cling to fear because if we let go, we’ll have to feel emotions we’re trying to avoid. Maybe we don’t want to trust that we’ll meet someone more appropriate because we want to avoid the pain of saying good-bye to someone who’s not treating us right. Maybe we don’t want to trust that we’ll get a better job because that will mean admitting we’re in a bad situation.

  If you find yourself getting stuck, talk to a trusted friend or therapist. Sometimes we can take a perverse comfort in clinging to fear. It might be corrosive, but at least it’s familiar. We can trap ourselves in a better-the-devil-you-know mentality. Feeling that you’re a victim of life is painful, but fear, with its twisted logic, can convince you it’s safer than daring to believe things could be better.

  The problem is that refusing to trust puts you in a catch-22 situation: you won’t know how much better life will be until you try. The net only appears once we’ve leaped. So if you need support from others before taking the leap, ask for it.

  * * *

  FAKING IT

  It takes time and repetition to establish those new neural pathways in the brain, so while they’re still under construction, there’s nothing wrong with “faking” a new behavior until it becomes authentic. Try acting as if you’re not afraid. It sounds improbable, but it works!

  * * *

  There was a time when I didn’t know how I would pay all my bills and was pretty close to losing everything. The fear was crippling. I couldn’t sleep, and the stress was affecting every area of my life. Finally, I called a good friend and asked her for advice. “Your job is not to worry about the bills later this month,” she told me. “You have this debt, and it is your responsibility to pay it. If you pay them what you can today, the money will be in your account when you need it for the next payment and for your future bills. Take responsibility now and then let go and trust.”

  Those words changed everything for me. Each month, for many months, there was the same situation, and, each time, I paid what was in front of me or negotiated to pay in installments, and every month, somehow, there were sufficient funds. The fear wasn’t gone entirely, and some days I still found it hard to smile, but taking responsibility and seeing that I was taken care of changed my understanding of letting go and trusting. And I’ve found since that this works in so many areas of my life. So often I want to hold on tight to an idea or a plan, and every time I fight against the change, it causes pain. And every time I let go and trust that there is a greater plan that is out of my hands, and my only job is to show up and do the footwork. It alleviates the stress and the fight, and my life flows more smoothly.

  —GA

  * * *

  Exercise 3: Moving from Fear to Trust

  * * *

  This exercise will give you a taste of the freedom that trust brings. You’ll need your journal and to be undisturbed for about twenty minutes for this visualization. Take at least five deep breaths to center yourself, read through the following instructions, and then close your eyes.

  Imagine you are walking up a mountain. Try to make the scene as vivid as possible. Breathe into it. Think about what you might be smelling and hearing as well as seeing.

  You started your climb in good time. The sky is clear, the air is fresh, and the sun is warm but not too hot. The path curves around, and you discover you are higher than you thought. You sit down for a moment to savor the view and to think about how your life looks now that you’re learning to trust.

  Take out your journal and write a list of things you tru
st. They can be things you already trust or things you’d like to trust, if only you could make the leap. (Remember, you’re allowed to fake it to make it!) Our subconscious listens to the messages we give it—whether they’re true or not. So you can plant trusting thoughts here, even if you don’t yet believe them. Make your list as uplifting and beautiful as you can.

  As you write your list, remember that you are not alone: there are women everywhere right now making the same journey from fear to trust.

  Here are some examples. I trust that . . .

  I am in the right place at the right time.

  Things happen for a reason.

  I will be able to handle whatever life throws at me.

  I am lovable just as I am.

  I am worthy of respect and dignity.

  I can live without active addiction.

  I am trusted.

  I am honest.

  I am safe.

  I am powerful.

  I can make a difference.

  I have a voice.

  If you get stuck, look for where you have fear and then choose to substitute its opposite.

  Here on the side of the mountain, as you look out across the beautiful view, give yourself permission to really believe each affirmation and to experience the relief that brings.

  Your list can also include fears that you might want to dismiss as petty, but they can nevertheless steal your peace of mind. For example, I trust that . . .

  If I’m not invited, I’m not meant to be there.

  If I’m rejected, I am being protected.

  When one door has closed, another will open.

  My kids are learning exactly what they need to.

  My body is perfect just as it is.

  I am glorious and deserve to experience joy.

  Make your list really positive. Allow your spirit to soar.

  Transfer the statements that give you the most joy onto Post-it notes. Stick them places where you’ll see them frequently to remind you that today your beliefs are shifting, thanks to having trust as your guide.

  * * *

  People often tell me how brave I am because I seem to fearlessly jump into challenging and sometimes terrifying situations. But there are certain areas of my life where I am not brave at all: usually in the more personal zones. It has taken a lot of work, concerted effort, trial and error, and awkwardness to actively do things differently and face things head-on despite my deep-rooted reluctance, pessimism, and desire for anything uncomfortable to just go away. And it is still a work in progress. It is hard to say “I’m sorry” or “I was wrong” or “Can we please make time to talk about something difficult?” or “When you say that to me, I feel shamed/uncomfortable, and I don’t want you to say it anymore” or “Thank you so much for doing that today; next time it would be really great if you could do it this way” or “I’m sorry, I don’t think I was clear in my description. What I meant was . . .” Each requires a deep breath and a degree of humility, which certainly doesn’t come easily to me. But it is transformative. Trusting the process and putting aside fear to take responsibility for one’s own communication and quality of relationships is truly miraculous in its power and scope. It will change your life.

  —GA

  It takes time, but slowly, if you use WE’s tools, trusting can become your automatic response. When something unexpected happens, you’ll be curious rather than frightened. The fear that used to paralyze becomes transmuted into excitement. You’ll wonder how situations will turn out, rather than your old habit of presuming a disaster.

  The more you leap, the more you’ll learn that life really does catch you and takes you to exactly where you need to be.

  When we trust, we discover how limited our vision has been and how much more there is to look forward to when we allow life to flow through us, instead of constantly trying to control and contain it.

  Trust in the Wider World

  Every time you replace a fearful thought with a loving thought, you make the world a better place.

  —DENISE LINN, spiritual teacher

  From early on, most of us have been taught to compare and compete with one another, feeding our fear that we’re not enough. We’ve been culturally encouraged to view one another as rivals—to try to work out who is prettier, who is smarter, who is more likely to win love or to succeed. Fear leads to a binary system of winners and losers, of haves and have-nots.

  Trust liberates us from that scarcity mentality. It tells us that we’re enough and that there is enough. We no longer need to fear or be jealous of another’s success because we no longer see happiness as a finite resource whose stock is diminished by other peoples’ gains.

  It gives us permission to substitute cooperation and compassion for competition and to see one another as allies rather than rivals. Before long, the magic multiplying effect that attaches to all spiritual Principles kicks in, and we discover that the more trusting and open we are with others, the more they respond in kind.

  What’s true for us as individuals is also true for the world. Trusting that there is enough, for us all, is a political as well as spiritual act. It’s also factually true.

  For example, we could feed every person on the planet if we just chose to. There is more than enough of all that is essential to life to go around. The problem is that when fear governs our decision making, we believe the lie that there isn’t enough, and so we hoard and grab and leave those who are less able to fend for themselves to go without.

  Trust gives us a new approach to life. Instead of competing, we can now cooperate—it’s a much more efficient way to allocate our planet’s resources.

  It’s also a much more peaceful and sustainable way to live. When fear drives our choices, it creates conflict, fuels overconsumption, and generates avoidable pain. So next time you’re making a choice—whether it’s about how to vote, how to live, or what to do with your evening—ask yourself, “What would I choose if I was able to trust?” And then allow love rather than fear to be your guide.

  Reflection

  Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood.

  —MARIE CURIE (1867–1934), French chemist

  When I’m frightened, I live smaller than I am. I clutch and I cling because I fear that I will get hurt or I will fail, or that there won’t be enough to go around. This creates a circle of negativity as others become wary and distance themselves from me. Today I live a different way. I hold my face to the light and trust that my needs will be met, and if they aren’t, I will have the courage to ask for them to be met. I no longer need to worry about the future; it is being taken care of, and that leaves me free to enjoy my day.

  Action. When I feel fear, I will ask myself what I would do if I weren’t afraid and then do it.

  Affirmation. Today I am safe, and I am happy.

  Principle 5

  HUMILITY: Unmasking Our Ego

  Humility is freedom from your own driven ego.

  —MARTHA KILPATRICK, Christian author and speaker

  Humility allows us to be one of many, to know that we are wondrous and enough just as we are. When we practice humility, we have a strong sense of our own intrinsic worth that isn’t dependent on anything we do, have, or own.

  With humility, we are able to look for what joins us rather than what sets us apart: our common humanity, our wounds, our longings, our joys, and our frailties. Instead of pursuing bleak self-interest, we foster connection. We work to heal division. And as hard as it is sometimes, we choose to assume that everyone is doing the best he or she can.

  Without humility, we are at the mercy of our egos. We compare, control, and compete. We worry about status, success, and what we do or don’t have.

  WE’s Principles lead us down the road less travelled—and humility provides us with a spiritual defense against our egos. Humility rightsizes us: we’re not the worst, we’re not the best; we’re just who we are, and that is wonderful.

  The previous Principles will have helped
you to start clearing away the emotional scar tissue and fear that may have blocked your path. Now with WE’s 5th Principle, our focus begins the shift from our relationship with ourselves to how we relate to the world.

  Ego: Edging Goodness Out

  The human ego’s motto is “seek but to not find.”

  —MIRANDA MACPHERSON

  We live in a world dominated by the ego—one that holds material status and accomplishments as paramount. One that loves pecking orders and lists of who’s who and judges by external appearance, not decency or depth.

  Our ego cares deeply about how we look in relation to others. It wants us to be better than others, but it’s actually scared that we don’t measure up. One moment it tells us we’re fantastic, the next that we’re a failure. Like the critical parent we can never please, it makes us feel as though nothing we do or have is ever quite enough.

  Our ego’s ultimate goal is to keep us safe. But its preoccupation with worldly concerns means that it doesn’t take into account our emotional and spiritual needs. It drives us to abandon our values in the pursuit of our goals and straps us in for a roller-coaster ride of “I won” or “I got” highs followed by the inevitable “Now what?” lows.

  Most of us are so used to the voice of our ego that we have become oblivious to its impact on our thinking. That thinking then influences how we see ourselves, how we see others, and how we experience the world.

  A Mental High

  The origin of all demons is in mind itself.

  —MACHIG LABDRÖN (1055–1149), Tibetan Buddhist practitioner and teacher