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All too often, we sanitize and simplify forgiveness, when in fact it’s an arduous, exhausting task—messy, risky, and unpredictable.

  —MARINA CANTACUZINO, British journalist and founder of the nonprofit organization the Forgiveness Project

  Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting, and it doesn’t mean that what happened was acceptable. It just means you want freedom. Without forgiveness, you remain bonded to those who’ve hurt you.

  It isn’t enough that others want to be forgiven, although that can sometimes help. Forgiveness isn’t something you can force or deliver on demand. Be kind to yourself if you are struggling with it.

  At its core, forgiveness involves experiencing loss: you’re letting go of the hope that things can be otherwise or the belief that the other person deserves your anger. Anger can feel like the only way you have to show that you’re not totally powerless. But so often we cling to anger in order to avoid the grief or disappointment that comes with loss. Only in forgiving can you give it up.

  Ask yourself, “How is this anger continuing to serve me?”

  Listen carefully to the answer, and if you’re still struggling to forgive, use the following exercise to help you let go of the hurt.

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  Exercise 2: Emotional Archaeology

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  This exercise is to help you release your attachment to past hurts. You will need two pieces of paper, a pen, a candle, and a pair of scissors.

  In one sentence, summarize what wrong was done to you. Not the details (hopefully, you will have attended to that as you worked through your resentments on page 125), but what lies at the heart of your anger and resentment. Were you betrayed, left out, or maybe you were abandoned? Abused or exploited? What is the nature of your hurt, shorn of all detail and story?

  Now ask yourself when else in your life you’ve experienced a similar feeling. List all the times you can remember. Trace the moments backward and forward until you have a timeline of similar experiences.

  It’s unlikely that the wrong you’re unable to forgive has happened only once at the hands of one person. It’s likely to be part of a pattern: the details and magnitude may not be the same, but that core wound is likely to have been activated more than this one time. Some of the instances you find may be more extreme than others, but there will almost always be a connection through time that is keeping you tied to it.

  Realizing that you’ve experienced this wound before releases some of its power instantly. No wonder you’ve struggled so much. The pain has been repeated and compacted over time.

  On another piece of paper, draw a large figure eight. Put the name of the person you’re struggling to forgive in the top half of the loop, along with the nature of the core wound. Write your name in the bottom loop. See how you’re separate but also tied together.

  Now light your candle. Take the scissors and cut the figure eight right down the middle. Burn the half that has the name of the core wound on it. It’s over, consigned to your past. You can now start to live fully in your present. If it floats back into your mind, remember that you have cut the cord.

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  AN EYE FOR AN EYE

  Our jails are overflowing, but many of the people within them don’t need to be there. In the United States, 50 percent of prisoners are serving time for nonviolent crimes,3 while two-thirds of prisoners held in custody awaiting trial in the United Kingdom are likely never to receive a custodial sentence.4 It’s been proven time and again that for the majority of offenses, prison neither deters nor reduces the likelihood of future offenses. Yet instead of finding more effective ways of rehabilitation and crime prevention, we waste billions and contribute to future offenses5 in order to meet our cultures’ hunger for vengeance.

  Imagine all the good that could be done with that money if we found more effective options, such as tackling poverty or providing training in conflict resolution in schools.

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  Living in the Day

  Surely the world we live in is but the world that lives in us.

  —DAISY BATES (1914–1999), civil rights activist and journalist

  The thoughts that cause us the most pain, courtesy of our ego, generally concern events that have already happened or ones that we fear might occur. As we’re thinking about yesterday’s slights or how we’ll get ahead tomorrow, we rob ourselves of the chance to experience the day we’re actually living through. Crazy, isn’t it?

  Humility brings you into the present. When we’re genuinely in the present, the chatter in our head subsides. We feel at peace—for that moment, we’re a human being rather than a human thinking.

  In the next chapter, you’ll learn some powerful meditation techniques to help you connect more deeply with the present, but for now, start with an incredibly effective tool—one that’s used to help beat heroin addiction and alcoholism. Try to live just one day at a time. In other words, let yourself think only about the twenty-four hours ahead.

  The minute I engage in worry about one thing or another outside of this moment, I become paralyzed. Seriously start spinning in circles in my head. Out of necessity, over time, I’ve learned to adapt to thinking only of the day that I’m presently in and sometimes, literally, just this minute. That isn’t to say I don’t plan and think ahead—I can tell you what I’m doing on any given day for the next seven months—but I’ve trained myself not to worry. The future event exists in time, but I won’t think about it until it’s upon me. In any day, when I get an uneasy feeling in my stomach, which signals that I am afraid or nervous about something, after naming it it’s important to determine if there is anything I can actually do about it in this moment. If there is, I do my best to address it now, even if it’s just scheduling a time in the future to deal with it—that in itself is action. Taking care of myself in this way takes commitment and discipline because it’s also about showing that I’m trustworthy and that when I say—even if just to myself—I will deal with something at a certain time, I actually do.

  —GA

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  TODAY OR TOMORROW?

  To help you stay focused on the present, imagine your mind is your desktop, and it has two folders on it. One is marked “Today,” and one is marked “Tomorrow.” Each time a thought intrudes, glance at it and see whether it’s about today or tomorrow. If it’s about today, you can think it. Otherwise just pop the thought into the folder marked “Tomorrow.” If they continue to intrude, use the Three-Second Rule, so that you don’t let unnecessary thoughts about the future distract you from the business of living in the now.

  * * *

  Living in the day sets a no-excuses perimeter. If things are tough, tell yourself you only have to get through this one day. If things are good, remind yourself that it may last only for this day, so make the most of it instead of worrying about when it’ll end. Nothing—neither good nor bad—lasts. Attend to what has to be done and then set yourself the goal of making the most of the day you have, not the future that hasn’t arrived yet.

  When you give yourself permission to reduce the time you spend thinking about the past and the future, you create the space for joy, grace, and wonder to emerge.

  Rightsizing

  I love who I am, and I encourage other people to love and embrace who they are. But it definitely wasn’t easy, it took me awhile.

  —SERENA WILLIAMS, professional tennis champion

  With humility, we become rightsized—in other words, the same size as everyone else. You don’t need to be intimidated by someone who has more success or power, and you don’t need to be deferred to by those who have less. There is no pecking order in the spiritual world. We are all exactly the same.

  Often it’s those with the biggest egos who have the lowest self-esteem. They overcompensate with material accomplishments and possessions to make up for their lack of internal worth. Like the Wizard of Oz, their ego hides behind levers and screens, hoping to intimidate us.

  Observe your own ego rise and reach
for the Toxic Cs. Then remember the magical Constructive Cs: compassion, cooperation, and connection. By replacing the one with the other, you prove to yourself and others that you can actively become an equal part of a whole.

  My experience of success is that it’s like cotton candy. It makes me feel good for a moment, and then I have a postsugar crash and crave more. I remember how great I felt when I had my first book published. Becoming a published author was something I’d dreamed of since I was a child. But then I went to the bookshop and saw how many other books there were—thousands of titles sat like tombstones on the shelves—and I suddenly “got” it. There was nothing I could do that would satisfy the calling of my ego and make me feel special enough. There was no material achievement that would fill the God-shaped hole inside of me. Now I’m grateful for the satisfaction I get from doing a piece of work well, but I no longer take it as any kind of measure of my real worth.

  —JN

  If you find yourself hungering for more “ego food”—more success, more recognition, more things to make you feel better about yourself—make sure you’re still using the Essential Practices, or Four Essentials, from the beginning of the book: food, exercise, rest, and appreciation. When we take care of what our real self needs, the needs of our ego will diminish and ultimately fade into the background.

  There’s no taking our trophies with us at the end of this life. Everything we hunger for now will turn to dust. So keep your focus on the good you can do and the lives you can touch today and then enjoy the freedom and love that practicing humility brings.

  Humility in the Wider World

  It is a most certain truth that the richer we see ourselves to be, confessing at the same time our poverty, the greater will be our progress, and the more real our humility.

  —SAINT TERESA OF ÁVILA (1515–1582), Spanish Carmelite nun and Roman Catholic saint

  Humility allows us to take our rightful place on this wonderful and extraordinary planet. It frees our thoughts and vision from the ego’s petty concerns. To the ego, enough is never enough, and it demands that we possess and accumulate more and more. It always chooses short-term gain, no matter the long-term pain it causes the world around it.

  A prime example is how we humans treat our precious planet. Overconsumption drives climate change and harmful emissions. The poorest half of the world is already paying the price in droughts and rising sea levels. At least ten thousand species become extinct each year,6 and we are ploughing through the earth’s resources as if it were a planet three times its size.

  Humility enables us to challenge that head-on. If we can see ourselves as one of many rather than as an individual who has to make her mark at any cost, we will change how we consume and how we live.

  Imagine what would happen if we each said, “This is enough. I don’t need more”?

  What would happen if we said, “They don’t have enough, and so they can have some of ours”?

  What would happen if we all asked, “How can I help?” rather than “How can I win?”

  Together we can demonstrate that there is a different way of being in the world that puts compassion and cooperation ahead of competition and status. We can acknowledge that we’re here as custodians of our exquisite world and need to preserve it for those who come after.

  Your ego may not like it, but your soul will start to soar.

  Reflection

  It’s never about how little we have. It is about what our little has the potential to become.

  —CHRISTINE CAINE, Australian evangelist and cofounder of the A21 Campaign, a nonprofit organization that works to stop human trafficking

  Today I know that when I feed my jealousy and envy by competing or comparing, they grow. So instead, today I will turn my gaze inward and work on their spiritual opposite—generosity, gratitude, and love. Before long, I will be back in balance and glad to be myself.

  Action. I treat every woman I meet as a friend.

  Affirmation. My worth comes from within.

  Principle 6

  PEACE: Ending the Conflict Within

  There is no need to go to India or anywhere else to find peace. You will find that deep place of silence right in your room, your garden, or even your bathtub.

  —ELISABETH KÜBLER-ROSS (1926–2004), Swiss-born psychiatrist and pioneer researcher on death and dying

  Peace resides in the stillness beneath the chatter of our thinking minds. In that state of serenity, we experience freedom from inner conflict and a sense of wholeness. We feel connected to the world in which we live, and loneliness begins to evaporate.

  Peace leads us to a safe space within ourselves that we can return to whenever we are feeling distressed or unsettled. Over time we discover that when we rest in peace our levels of emotional reactivity are reduced and our capacity to experience joy increases.

  Without peace, we are restless, searching, and stuck in a state of almost constant dis-ease and dissatisfaction.

  And yet, being still in the moment has become so foreign to many of us that it can feel uncomfortable. With our hectic schedules and the demands of modern 24/7 living, many of us have lost the habit. We spend our time doing rather than being.

  In the last chapter, we saw the damage our ego-driven thinking can cause. WE’s 6th Principle takes us a step further: to a place that lies beyond our thoughts. It is there that we get to soak up the healing energy that peace brings.

  Beyond our Thinking Minds

  We’ve known about the transcendent power of solitude for centuries; it’s only recently that we’ve forgotten it.

  —SUSAN CAIN, author of Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking

  Most of us have spent so long listening to our thoughts that we have become completely identified with them. We have become like computer operators who think they are the computer.

  We also believe that thinking can bring us peace, but actually the opposite is true. It’s by detaching from our thoughts that we find peace. Meditation is our gateway to the extraordinary realm that exists beyond our thinking selves—the part of us that knows we’re thinking.

  * * *

  Exercise 1: Our Internal Landscape

  * * *

  This exercise will give you a glimpse of the peace that exists within us all.

  Set a timer for five minutes. Take a few deep breaths. Imagine your mind is a clear blue sky. Now watch and wait to see how soon thoughts start swarming in. Observe them. How many of them make sense? How many of them really need to be thought? How many of them instigate pain, anger, or fear? How many of them repeat themselves? We live amid that swarm day in and day out.

  Now close your eyes again and imagine your mind is a clear blue sky. This time, when the thoughts appear, try not to focus on them. Try to let them fly by as you would a wasp. Gently say to yourself, “Thinking,” every time you find yourself trying to grab on to one and instead return to the gentle rise and fall of your breath. Keep your focus on the blue sky rather than the wasps, and soon they’ll find it harder to get your attention.

  * * *

  You are the sky. Everything else—it’s just the weather.

  —PEMA CHÖDRÖN, Buddhist teacher and author

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  PROOF POSITIVE

  Scientific studies show that meditation creates a whole raft of physical and mental benefits: increased energy, reduced blood pressure and depression, better sleep, improved immune system, decreased inflammation and pain, increased attention and memory, enhanced self-control and emotional regulation, and higher emotional intelligence.1 In addition, a University of California study found that daily meditation for just two weeks helped improve focus and memory: overall, the students who meditated had a 16 percent higher score than those who did not.2

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  Meditations

  Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.

  —OPRAH WINFREY, talk-show host and media mogul
/>   The West is finally waking up to the wonders of meditation. Doctors now recommend it. A growing number of businesses provide training for employees to reduce stress levels and increase efficiency. But its benefits go way beyond the physical and mental.

  When we meditate on a daily basis, we reconnect with our core: the authentic part of ourselves that lies beneath the defenses and scar tissue we accumulate through life. And with that comes a sense of belonging. We start to feel connected at a deep level to the world of which we are a part.

  When we meditate, we reach a higher state of understanding and perception. As a result, what we have in common with others becomes more important than what separates us. Our intuition strengthens and leads us to a sense of purpose and fulfillment.

  If you’ve been using the meditation technique you learned in the start of this journey in Essential Practice 4 and sitting for a couple of minutes each morning, you’ll have already started something wonderful for yourself. You’ll have established a meditation routine.

  The length of time you’ve been sitting is less important than the habit. But now that your habit is in place, you can start to lengthen the time you sit. Notice your resistance to this idea. You may already be listing in your head how little time you have. So take a moment here to analyze how you spend the time you do have.

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  TIME AUDIT

  For one day, make a record of how you spend your time. Note down the times you spend working and doing necessary tasks, but also pay particular attention to the time you waste. Maybe you check your phone repeatedly, or lose hours on Facebook checking out people you barely know, or daydreaming about the distant future. Maybe you fritter away time talking to people you have no desire to speak to, or doing chores that don’t matter at all, or watching TV shows you don’t really enjoy. Whatever you notice, write it down.