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Have some useful phrases ready, such as, “I’ll need to get back to you about that,” or “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Stay soft and stay open and remind yourself that whatever the problem is, love, in one form or another, is the answer.
One hasty word or reaction can alter a friendship for a lifetime. I often struggle with inserting a pause. I’m too worried that I won’t get my way unless I respond straight away. But over time I’ve come to see that my way doesn’t necessarily help me or anyone else. I think I know what’s best, but often I’m just trying to control outcomes to avoid my own anxiety. On a daily basis, I try to observe before I respond—and things always turn out better when I manage to insert a pause.
—JN
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MOVE A MUSCLE TO SHIFT A THOUGHT
If your thoughts are particularly persistent, try using movement to dislodge them. Remember, Action Changes Things.
Shrug your shoulders, wiggle your toes, or even try balancing on one leg. Singing and dancing are great too—anything that allows you to get out of your head and focus on the moment.
Again, watch out for your mind. It is going to use every opportunity to try to persuade you to return to living in your head. It may even tell you this new way of life is lazy and irresponsible. But just remember how many moments you lost as the result of being caught up in loops of obsessive thoughts.
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Indecision
Pausing is also great for indecision. When you’re not sure about something, instead of forcing a resolution, try to put the dilemma in the back of your mind. If necessary, write it on a piece of paper and put it in your Acceptance Cup.
Accepting that you “don’t know” is one of the fastest routes to allowing an answer to emerge. And be careful not to short-circuit the process. It’s like baking bread: each time you open the oven door prematurely, you jeopardize the outcome.
Using the pause button for decision making gives you space to hear your inner voice, your intuition, your inner knowing. It usually has answers that the conscious mind can’t deliver. Sometimes it will take the form of a hunch; at other times, a coincidence. The more regularly you meditate, the easier it becomes to hear. Learn to trust it when it comes.
When I’m suffering from indecision—which has happened a lot in my life—it’s generally because there’s a conflict between my overly educated brain and my inner knowing. My father was an academic, so I came from a home where the intellect was prized above all else and talk of intuition was dismissed as airy-fairy. Meditation has proven to me beyond all doubt that there’s another form of knowing that has nothing to do with education. It comes in the form of an inner nudge. To start with, it was so gentle that I often overrode it. It would say turn left rather than right, or call this person or wait awhile. Now, whenever I can discern it, I listen—it always leads to something more wonderful than my limited mind could have predicted. It’s as if through meditation I’ve tapped into a collective pool of wisdom that makes itself known through my heart rather than my head. Just as in the Bible it was eating from the tree of knowledge that led to Eve and Adam being cast out of paradise, I can see how I exile myself from a state of peace when I give my thoughts too great a priority.
—JN
Uncertainty
Living with uncertainty—a pause that’s inflicted on us rather than one we’ve chosen—can be incredibly uncomfortable. It can send us into a tornado of antics trying to force a resolution. Be it a job loss, a medical diagnosis, or just a phone call not coming as expected, sitting with uncertainty takes courage.
When one door closes, it can be tough to trust that another really will open. Notice when your ego tries to persuade you to close the gap between what was and what will be by obsessing about possible outcomes. Watch it generate fearful attack thoughts. Do your very best to not engage with any of it. When you allow yourself to rest in the uncertainty of what is, space opens up for answers to emerge.
There is a great deal of uncertainty in the line of work I am in. There have been times when I have scheduled months of child care and schooling and travel only for the job to fall through, or other times when there are three jobs that might go around the same time, but none can be counted on or let go of—yet all will impact the other aspects of my life and my relationships. I have by necessity come to a place of acceptance that uncertainty is just part and parcel of what I do. I try to make sure that no matter what, my time with my children is protected, but beyond that, I have no control and simply have to let go and trust that whichever job is right for me will stick. When I hold on too tight to the end result, I only get disappointed and resentful. As provocative as it can be to not know what the next six months will look like workwise, it’s so much better for my peace of mind if I let go into the unknown and let the cards fall as they may.
—GA
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COINCIDENCES
Some people call them coincidences; others, synchronicity. Start looking out for them in your day-to-day life. The time you spend meditating brings you into alignment with whatever it is that orders our universe, so you’re likely to notice them occurring with increasing frequency.
You may think of someone you haven’t seen for ages, and suddenly they’ll call. You’ll finally pluck up the courage to leave the job that was making you miserable, and a fantastic opportunity that you’d never imagined presents itself. Or you’ll trust your instinct to take time off work to care for a loved one, and you’re offered extra pay for work you can do at home.
Make sure to add these moments to the list you started in the Living Proof exercise in the 4th Principle, trust. They’re further proof that this new way of life yields tangible results.
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If you take care of your mind, you take care of the world.
—ARIANNA HUFFINGTON, Greek-born author, columnist, and founder of The Huffington Post
Transforming Difficulty
As you get used to pausing when you’re disturbed or upset, you’ll find that it gets easier and easier to contain your responses and not react inappropriately.
If you find yourself struggling, take the more difficult feelings into your formal meditation practice.
As you sit down to meditate, hold a gentle awareness of what’s upsetting you. Don’t seek to repress it or puzzle it out; just offer it up to your practice and see what happens.
The secret is not to struggle. It’s like learning to float: we think we’ll sink unless we do something. In fact, the opposite is true: when you allow yourself to rest in your own consciousness, you discover you can float, and the weight of your worries is taken away.
When you are present to your difficulties and pain in this way, meditation becomes like a magical composter. You actively nourish the parts of your life and yourself that you find difficult and, over time, miraculously transform them.
Being Human
Ultimately, we have just one moral duty: to reclaim large areas of peace in ourselves, more and more peace, and to reflect it toward others. And the more peace there is in us, the more peace there will also be in our troubled world.
—ETTY HILLESUM (1914–1943), Dutch diarist and victim of the Nazi Holocaust
As your meditation practice develops, when you lose your balance, you’ll find that you have a place to call home. A place that doesn’t depend on your accomplishments or possessions. A place where you can feel safe and be at peace.
You’ll still lose your emotional footing from time to time. When it happens, it doesn’t mean you’re failing. It’s a sign that you’re not shut down or anesthetized but open and sensitive and truly alive to life.
When we shift from a state of internal war to one of peace, the change is reflected externally. It’s as if meditation helps us chart a course that keeps the wind in our sails.
Life will begin to feel less complicated and problematic. You will start to feel lighter, and you’ll laugh more. You’ll be less confused by situations and notice a new ease in your re
lationships with others. The stronger the connection you’ll feel with your inner self, the more connected you feel to all humans. Prejudices and judgements will start to fall away as you sense the interconnectedness that lies beneath what divides us.
I used to be addicted to the drama of life. To the rights and wrongs, the “he said/she said.” I’d want to get straight into the middle of whatever was happening and try to sort it out. But often, when I do that, I’m really just pouring kerosene onto someone else’s emotional bonfire. Now, when I remember, I try not to stoke the embers of any conflict. Instead of fanning outrage, I try to just listen and be a peaceful presence. A port in the storm is more useful than someone fanning the flames.
—JN
Peace in the Wider World
One of the advantages of being born in an affluent society is that if one has any intelligence at all, one will realize that having more and more won’t solve the problem.
—JETSUNMA TENZIN PALMO, British-born Buddhist teacher and author
Peace is contagious, and now that you have it, you can help to spread it.
As you take your thinking mind less seriously, you’ll find you have the capacity to be present for others in a new way. You might not be able to salve another’s pain, but you can sit with the person while he or she processes it.
When you allow your inner peace to light someone else’s way, you’ll find that his or her pain starts to dissipate and solutions start to emerge.
When we make peace our priority, we can be of real service in the world. If all we do to help change the world is meditate, we will still make a difference. We’ll be less likely to react with anger and rob others of their peace of mind.
We all know the power of an unkind or harsh word. Remember: hurt people hurt other people. So if we reduce the harm we do, we will instantly create a ripple effect.
Try—one day at a time—not to cause harm to yourself or others. When you’re uncertain, hit pause. Remember that you don’t have a crystal ball and don’t know what will ultimately be for the best, but if you do the right thing, the right consequences will follow.
If everyone in the world took responsibility for his or her mental well-being, think how much more peaceful the world would be instantaneously!
Reflection
No matter who causes you grief, take your complaints to the meditation room, where your real friend is.
—MATA AMRITANANDAMAYI (AMMA), Indian spiritual leader
When I find myself getting too caught up with or too hurt by the drama of my life, I can take a moment to pause. I can remember that while the surface of my life may be like a choppy sea on which I get tossed and turned, deep below the surface there is a part of me that remains constant and unaffected by what is happening above. I picture myself as a stone dropping down beneath the surface of the waves, falling deeper and deeper into my own internal ocean until I find a place of peace to rest. When I reside there, I know that everything is actually all right.
Action. Today, if I feel overwhelmed, I will pause and remind myself that underneath the surface, my true self resides.
Affirmation. Whatever else is happening, deep down I know I am absolutely okay.
Principle 7
LOVE: Transforming Relationships
The cure for all the ills and wrongs, the cares, the sorrows, and the crimes of humanity, all lie in the one word love. It is the divine vitality that everywhere produces and restores life.
—LYDIA M. CHILD (1802–1880), abolitionist
Love knows no bounds. It wants the best for everyone and doesn’t discriminate or judge. Love is our authentic nature and is always present, but, like the sun, it can be obscured temporarily.
Love transforms us. It dissolves our prejudices and opens our hearts. It connects us to ourselves, to one another, and to all humanity.
Without love, we feel alone, we erect barriers and divisions—often without realizing it. We long for connection, but we cut ourselves off from it.
This is a path of love and love is woven through every step of the journey. The essentials and principles you’ve learned so far have been preparing you to be able to experience true love in its most powerful, spiritual sense.
The Key to Love
I am happier when I love than when I am loved. I adore my husband, my son, and my grandchildren, my mother, my dog, and, frankly, I don’t know if they even like me. But who cares? Loving them is my joy.
—ISABEL ALLENDE, Peruvian-born journalist and bestselling author
Many of us come to this journey looking for love. In Western cultures, romantic love has become almost a religion—something we’re encouraged to devote ourselves to seeking in the belief that it will bring a perfect union and meaning to our lives. We’re raised on fairy tales of girls transformed by the kiss of their handsome prince and bombarded by images of happy couples. Movie after movie ends with a happy couple who, after overcoming the requisite obstacles, look certain to live happily ever after.
It’s not surprising that many of us see love as a Holy Grail, something to be sought, found, and won. Something we have looked for in the arms of others or in our worldly endeavors. Often our hearts have taken a battering. Some of us may shut down and turn our back on the very idea of love, while others just try harder. But no matter how deeply we bury our desire, all of us ache for it to transform and make good our lives.
The good news is that we don’t need to search for it any longer. It is available right here, right now, in every one of our lives. If you use the Principles in this book to clear the fear and emotional scars that can block love’s flow, you will experience an extraordinary truth: love isn’t something you have to seek or win. There is an infinite supply of it—enough for each and every one of us. All we need to know is how to gain access to it.
Love isn’t something that we either do or don’t do according to how we feel. It’s something we can experience at any time. That’s because the key to unlocking love’s flow is very simple. It comes from realizing that love isn’t a feeling but an action.
It is loving action that connects us to the constant supply of love that exists within us. Every time we act with love, we generate more. It’s like a muscle: love may be hidden behind years of righteous anger, fear, or hurt, but we all have it and can choose to exercise it.
Like gratitude, it has a magic multiplying effect: the more loving you are, the more loved and loving you feel.
What’s more, it doesn’t matter whether you’re giving or getting it; you’ll experience love either way. It’s the flow that counts.
But be prepared for your ego to object. To the ego, love is a two-way street, something to be traded, a transactional relationship. “What about me?” it’ll want to know. Your ego will tell you to ration love, to save it up for the special or deserving people in your life. But, of course, when you withhold love, you deprive yourself.
Love, in the inspirational sense, has no limits—it’s unconditional. It has nothing to do with how anyone else behaves. Giving in order to get back isn’t love—it’s a form of manipulation. And giving love only to those you judge to be worthy is a subtle form of discrimination.
With practice, it becomes possible to choose to respond with love no matter how somebody else behaves.
Love Begins with You
The preceding Principles have been getting you ready to love. You can’t love if you’re a bouncing ball of emotional reactivity or a jumble of unmet needs. Nor can you experience love if you’re walled into a fortress of self-protection or wearing boxing gloves.
You can’t give away something you haven’t got. If you fail to meet your own needs, you risk slipping into codependency and hoping that others will make good your own internal sense of lack. Your home can’t be made in anyone else’s arms or company. Your true home is right where you are, within you.
Every relationship—whether with a friend or a partner—is like an arch: if each of you stands tall and strong in your own space, love can be the keys
tone. But if one of you leans, it can topple.
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LOVING VERSUS CODEPENDENCY
Compulsive helping, or codependency, is now recognized as a serious and sometimes life-threatening addiction. People who are codependent attempt to get their self-esteem from taking care of others; often they think they are just being kind or helpful. They obsess about others and try to control, help, or guilt them into doing what they think is best. Other symptoms include saying yes when they mean no, accepting unacceptable behavior, staying in a harmful relationship to please another, giving unsolicited advice, and trying to save someone who doesn’t want to be saved.
It can be hard to say no when we can see that someone needs help, but saying yes when we want to say no or giving what we haven’t got is a form of dishonesty, not love. It sets us up as victims and martyrs who then resent the people we’ve helped or become angry when our “love” isn’t reciprocated. It also puts us at risk of depression, anxiety, and chemical addiction.
Encouraging others to rely on us to meet their needs can make us feel needed and less immediately vulnerable, but it’s the flip side of the same coin. Dependency in either direction doesn’t work long term.
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Hopefully, the work you’ve been doing since you opened this book has given you a sense of self-connection. Love will never ask you to abandon yourself. As women, we’re encouraged to be selfless, but the meaning has become misunderstood. It does not mean to override our needs but rather to love without ego. The very same obstacles that block us from connecting with our authentic selves can block us from experiencing love. Our ego-based thinking, emotional wounds, and fear can all get in the way.