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  —GA

  You don’t have to take our word for it. Treat this journey as if it were a scientific experiment. See what happens if you practice the Principles as they are laid out. If, at the end of this book, you don’t feel better, you can always have your old life back.

  The 9 Principles in this book work.

  Change is possible.

  There is no need to feel panic or overwhelmed. Nothing is asked of you now, other than that you read WE and give the Principles a try. This is not another thing to add to your to-do list. It is a gateway to an inner freedom and a peace of mind that you may not have known was possible.

  You have nothing to lose but your unhappiness, and the world has everything to gain.

  WE’S VISION

  Like life, peace begins with women. We are the first to forge lines of alliance and collaboration across conflict divides.

  —ZAINAB SALBI, Iraqi-born women’s rights activist and author

  Imagine a sisterhood—across all creeds and cultures—with an unspoken agreement that we, as women, will support and encourage one another. That we won’t seek to take advantage of another’s weakness, or sit in judgement of another’s shortcomings. That we will remember we don’t know what struggles each of us may be facing elsewhere in our lives, and so we’ll assume that each of us is doing her best. That we will do the work to heal ourselves so that together we can create a more compassionate world.

  You change the world by changing yourself.

  —YOKO ONO, artist, musician, peace activist

  You are at the start of a miraculous journey. The 9 Principles within these pages will change your life.

  As with any expedition, before you set out, you need to prepare. The Essentials in this section are vital for your well-being and will ensure that you get the most out of WE’s Principles.

  On this journey, you’ll be engaged in emotional archaeology: digging down beneath layers of hurt and protection and confronting deep emotional truths in order to reconnect with your true self. You’ll be dismantling the parts of yourself that no longer serve you and transforming your relationship with yourself and the world around you.

  These Essential Practices will hold you steady as you do the work. The extraordinary thing about them is that they do far more than just provide you with support for the journey ahead. Each one is also a powerful agent for change in its own right.

  Like the Principles that follow, these practices are a distillation of what works within innumerable traditions. When they’re used together, you’ll find that an alchemy takes place, producing astonishing changes. In fact, if all you feel ready to do right now is introduce these four healthy habits into your life, you will be amazed by the miracles that start to flow immediately.

  Taking care of yourself emotionally, physically, and spiritually is a profoundly political act. As women, many of us have been conditioned to be caretakers and to measure our worth by how much we do for others. But when we sublimate our own needs, we risk ending up dependent on others and too vulnerable on many levels.

  Martyrdom is for saints. Real women have needs, and real giving comes from a place of plenty, not a place of lack. Self-denial only sets us up for failure.

  Self-care is even more crucial if you have children. When we harm ourselves or suppress our needs, we model that neglect and abuse are acceptable. If we want our daughters to think of themselves as worthy, we need to model self-worth. Similarly, if we want our sons to see women as strong, independent beings, we need to show them that is what we are.

  Use the following four Essential Practices on a daily basis. They are the foundations for your new life and indispensable for the journey to come.

  You’ll be amazed at how great you feel when you start giving yourself the care you’ve longed for from others.

  WE’s Exercises

  This is an experiential process. Each chapter contains exercises that will integrate what your mind is learning with what your heart already knows. These exercises are not optional extras; they are essential to the journey you are on, so please don’t skip them. Knowing is not enough: you need to experience the Principles for them to achieve their full transformative power.

  The more diligent you are in completing the exercises, the greater the results. It is better to do them hastily than not do them at all, so don’t let perfectionism creep in. You’ll find exercises throughout this book. They’re designed to maximize the impact of the Principles. From time to time, you’ll need to write things down, so a notebook or journal will be useful. You may also want to ensure that you have a quiet place where you can work on them without being disturbed. This is a sacred process that deserves a sacred space.

  You can return to any of the exercises and repeat it once you have finished working through the Principles. Use them if you hit a bump in the path, or if you’re feeling stuck. Each exercise works on an emotional, intellectual, and spiritual level, so take advantage of them. You will get out of this journey what you put in.

  Center yourself before each exercise. Start by taking five deep breaths, in and out, allowing your outbreath to last a beat longer than your inbreath to calm your nervous system. If you have the time and space, light a candle to signify the sacred nature of the work you’re undertaking. You’re doing it for you and for many. Try not to sit on the sidelines, figuring out how to understand the journey by intellectualizing it—take the plunge, dive in, and experience it!

  WE’s Affirmations

  At the end of each chapter you will also find affirmations. These are antidotes to the toxic messages we give ourselves on a daily basis. Use them to ward off negativity, as you would use a medicine to prevent infection. Repeat them to yourself as you go through the day, knowing that each time you say them, you are gradually moving away from self-harm and toward self-care and self-love.

  Essential Practice 1

  GRATITUDE: A Mind-Altering Substance

  When we focus on our gratitude, the tide of disappointment goes out and the tide of love rushes in.

  —KRISTIN ARMSTRONG, Olympic gold medal cyclist

  Gratitude has the power to transform everything: our perceptions, our experiences, and our state of mind.

  A lot of us come to this journey with a mountain of disappointments and hurts. Feeling grateful may be the last thing you want when you’re unhappy, when you’re disappointed about all the things you haven’t got, and all the things that have gone wrong. But however low, angry, or despondent you feel, you will start to experience the benefits of gratitude as soon as you allow this tool into your life.

  A warning: like many of WE’s tools, “gratitude” may sound simple—way too simple and perhaps not quite complex enough for our sophisticated female brains. Don’t be deceived. Remember those connect-the-dot books you had when you were little, where you joined numbered dots together, and a picture emerged? This is what we do every day of our lives: we link events and assign them meaning so that we can interpret the world.

  The problem is that very often we connect the wrong dots. As we go through life, many of us notice all the things that seem to go wrong rather than the things that are going right. We focus on the times we haven’t gotten what we wanted, when life has disappointed us, when we may have been ignored or slighted in some way. Like fortune-tellers, who are capable of foretelling only negative conclusions, we examine the tea leaves of our life and decide that life is unfair, that we’re just not destined to be happy, that we don’t have the good luck others seem to enjoy.

  Not surprisingly, if you join up these dots, you end up with a depressing picture.

  But stop right there. From this moment forward, you are going to try a different approach.

  I don’t have to chase extraordinary moments to find happiness—it’s right in front of me if I’m paying attention and practicing gratitude.

  —BRENÉ BROWN, researcher into emotions and personality traits such as vulnerability, courage, shame, and authenticity

  * * *


  Exercise: Daily Miracles

  * * *

  This exercise will begin a mind-altering process by showing you how to incorporate the practice of gratitude into your daily life. Make yourself comfortable and close your eyes. Breathe in and out five times, as described on page 4, until you feel centered and settled.

  Take up your journal and write down ten things in your life right now that you’re grateful for. They can be as small or as big as you like. Notice if your mind leaps in and lodges an objection. It may claim that it can’t find anything at all to be thankful for, or it may want to remind you of all the disappointments, trials, and losses you are experiencing. Like a miner panning for gold, try to pick your way through the silt and mud that your mind kicks up and find the treasure that rests in its midst. Keep looking until you find something—anything at all—that you can be grateful for. Perhaps it’s that you’ve got a roof over your head, or you have eyes to see your children with. Or perhaps it’s that you started your day with a warm cup of tea and have something to eat in your cupboard. The items on your list don’t need to be any more complicated than that. In fact, the most basic things are often the most powerful. Imagine what life would be like if you didn’t have them.

  Your list might also include some of the simple daily events that we so often overlook because we take them for granted—yet if they were to disappear suddenly, we’d be lost.

  Keep writing until you’ve got ten. If you’ve got more than ten, that’s great, too—you can keep writing until the flow stops naturally. Now read it back to yourself. Or, for maximum effect, read it aloud and say, “Thank you for . . .” each item on the list. It will likely feel awkward at the beginning, but the more often you do it, the easier it will get.

  Gratitude lists will become a staple of your new life. We suggest writing a list daily while working through the remaining chapters. After that, it’s up to you, but it’s very possible that you won’t want to stop.

  What you’ll discover is that as you list the many little things for which you’re grateful, the picture you have of your life starts to change. Behind the gloom, a more positive image starts to emerge. One that is tender and full of wonder. One that existed the whole time, just beneath the surface. We’re not deceiving ourselves; we’re simply connecting a different set of dots.

  * * *

  Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend.

  —MELODY BEATTIE, author of Codependent No More and other self-help bestsellers

  Gratitude is infectious. It creates its own virtuous circle. The more grateful you feel, the more you’ll have to be grateful for. Knowing that you’ll need to come up with a list of positive experiences each day means you’ll start to become more aware of them. When you’re on the lookout, miraculously they start to appear far more often.

  It is as if your mind is a magnifying glass expanding whatever you choose to focus on. Suddenly you become aware of sources of gratitude that you’ve never noticed before. A fellow train passenger’s smile; the friend who’s agreed to mind your child for an hour to give you a much-needed break; the first shoots of spring pushing their way through the cold earth; the warmth of the bathwater we sink into at the end of a tiring day.

  “Thank you” is the best prayer that anyone could say. I say that one a lot. Thank you expresses extreme gratitude, humility, understanding.

  —ALICE WALKER, writer and activist

  As the picture you paint of your life starts to change each day, miraculously so too does how you feel about life. The situations you find yourself in somehow no longer seem so bad. There is some good in almost everything you discover.

  And before long, other people start to notice the difference in you, and in turn you’ll find that they are warmer and friendlier to you. This is the magic multiplier effect.

  When you practice gratitude, you exercise a spiritual muscle. Have you ever wondered why some people seem to be cheerful no matter what is happening around them? It’s because of their attitude. Everything that you add to your list and every thank-you that you say silently or aloud changes your attitude. It has a profound impact on your mind-set and, consequently, on your life and the people in it.

  Gratitude can also be used as a shield to ward off negativity—either your own or other people’s. As you become more positive, those around you, whether they are colleagues, friends, or family, may become confused. They may be so used to you despairing or complaining about your lot that they don’t know how to react to your new, more positive outlook. They may invite you to pick up your list of woes again. Try your very best to resist. Whatever you focus on grows, so keep your focus firmly on the good in your day.

  Like any exercise, the more you practice, the easier it gets. Before long, you’ll wonder how you ever managed without it.

  TIP: Keep a small notebook or space in your journal for your gratitude list. Experiment with what time of day you write it. Use it as a spiritual remedy to either kick-start your day or get a restful night’s sleep. And you can always refer to it halfway through your day if you need an instant hit of positivity.

  I was very depressed when I first started this practice. I did it to people-please—someone had told me to—not because I thought it would work. To my cynical intellect, it seemed trite and insincere. For the first few days, I struggled to find anything I felt grateful for. But somehow each day it got easier, and now my list is so full of wonderful things that if I do it too late at night, it can keep me awake through excitement. The more good I see in my life, the more good seems to come.

  —JN

  I know it seems absolutely ludicrous with everything that I have that is good in my life, but I have a habit of complaining. I can’t believe I’m admitting that, but it’s true. I go through stages where I forbid myself to complain. The minute a negative thought is about to leave my lips, I force myself to say the opposite. “Thank you for getting me here safely,” as opposed to “Oh my God, the traffic!” The difference it makes in my life is huge. And yet before long, there I am again finding ways to complain through humor or storytelling. Obviously, sometimes this has got to be okay—to find humor in the ridiculous—but I have to stay vigilant to make sure that it isn’t just another excuse to talk about what’s wrong as opposed to what’s right in my life. The more I keep up my gratitude lists, the less likely I am to complain in a day; it’s as simple as that.

  —GA

  Reflection

  Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are.

  —MARIANNE WILLIAMSON, spiritual teacher-lecturer and author of A Return to Love, among other books

  It takes only a miniscule turn of the steering wheel to change the direction of an ocean liner. When I’m off-kilter or worrying about what I haven’t got, I use gratitude to redirect myself. It usually takes only a moment of pausing and thinking of something we have to be thankful for to get back on track. Whatever we focus on grows, so we make sure that we keep our gaze on what is good so that I can open myself up to joy.

  Action. Today I will notice all the nice things that happen, and I will say thank you.

  Affirmation. I am lucky, and I am blessed. My life is full of wonder.

  Essential Practice 2

  GENTLENESS: Changing the Messages We Give Ourselves

  Peace begins with a smile.

  —MOTHER TERESA (1909–1997), nun, missionary, and canonized Saint Teresa of Calcutta

  Imagine if every morning you woke up with a radio station blaring full volume inside your head. It would drive you crazy. In fact, that very tactic is used to torture prisoners into submission. And yet that is exactly how we all live: with voices inside our heads telling us crazy, negative, self-defeating messages.

  Take a moment to think of some of the thoughts you may subject yourself to on a daily basis, without even realizing you’re doing it. We all have our own individual ones, but here are a few favorites: “
I don’t fit in.” “I’m too fat.” “I’ll never meet anyone.” “I’m going to end up broke and alone.” “I’m a failure.” “I’ll never get anywhere.” “It’s not fair.” “She doesn’t like me.” “He’s going to leave me.”

  Get the picture? Your voices may be slightly different, but they all come from the same place: a place of fear. Fear that there is not enough, that we are not enough, that anything good we may have will be lost, that things are ultimately not going to be okay.

  It’s as if each of us has an internal propaganda machine generating messages of fear and inadequacy, so that even when things are going well, the machine is at work warning us that it will never last or things will never be this good again.

  We have been taught to believe that negative equals realistic and positive equals unrealistic.

  —SUSAN JEFFERS (1938–2012), psychologist and author

  To compound and complicate things, many of us have come to believe that the messages being broadcast by our negativity transmitter are in fact helpful. We tell ourselves that they protect us from disappointment and loss by ensuring that we are realistic. We mistakenly believe these messages are our friends—that they stop us from getting carried away and having dreams that will never be realized; that they keep us firmly on the ground.

  In fact, the opposite is true. And there’s a much better source from which to generate the messages we give ourselves: love. That may sound a little hippy-dippy, but think about it: Would you talk to your best friend or someone else you love—a child or a partner—the same way that you talk to yourself? You may be quite comfortable telling yourself that you’re useless or stupid or a failure, but you probably wouldn’t say it to someone you really cared about.