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  Even though all of us can manage to find two minutes, it’s quite likely that at this point you’ll experience resistance or even self-sabotage. You may start to find excuses before you’ve even read through this section. Perhaps your mind is defending how busy or tired you are. Or maybe you’ve just remembered that you took a meditation course once before, and it didn’t work. Or that there’s meditation at the end of your exercise class or yoga class, but you just fall asleep each time.

  Be aware of all these rationalizations and do this exercise anyway.

  * * *

  Exercise: Daily Meditation Practice

  * * *

  This exercise is to help you establish your own daily meditation practice. Two minutes, that’s all. You can download one of many free meditation timer apps or use the regular timer on your phone. Leave it to the bell to remind you when the time is up. Tell your mind that it can return to thinking as much as it wants as soon as this brief exercise is over.

  When you are ready, sit cross-legged on the floor or on a chair. Make sure you’re comfortable before you start. You can close your eyes or keep your focus fixed on a point just in front of you. (Placing a candle in your sight line is both helpful and calming.) Try not to let your gaze drift around the room looking for distractions. Remember, this short time is about peace of mind.

  Now just breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth, slowly and gently.

  Try to let your outbreath take slightly longer than your inbreath. Notice the gap between each inhale and exhale. Relax. Don’t worry about any thoughts that come—just try not to engage with them, gently returning your attention to the rise and fall of your breath.

  Although two minutes may not seem very long, it is enough to start creating a very important space and a very important habit. Remember that from tiny acorns grow mighty oaks.

  * * *

  If your mind objects to this practice, that’s great news. It means it knows it’s about to be rumbled. The mind likes to pretend it knows everything, and, sadly, too often we believe it. The truth is that the mind is an excellent servant but a terrible master. It’s great at solving crossword puzzles or reading train timetables, but it’s not so good at helping us to find fulfillment or love.

  So for just two minutes every day, you’re going to suspend its operation. You’re going to ask your mind to take a short break and then see what happens when you give yourself this brief vacation from your thoughts.

  Don’t worry if this doesn’t make any sense. Don’t worry if nothing seems to be happening. This is not about sense or meaning, and there is no right or wrong way of doing this. It is about very gently starting a new and vital habit: training your mind and body to get used to being still.

  Each day, when you have finished your two minutes of silence, read the affirmation that corresponds with the chapter you’re reading. Allow what’s written there to seep in gently as you continue to breathe in and out. Then say the affirmation to yourself softly.

  You might like to commit it to memory or jot it down in your journal, so that in moments of doubt and indecision you can return to your affirmation and use it as a way of keeping yourself calm and centered. It will help you to recall your safe place, as well as reinforce the lesson contained in the chapter you’ve just read.

  It’s simple. All you have to do is do it!

  TIP: Try to meditate in the same place each day. Create a special place for yourself to sit, whether it’s cross-legged on the floor in a corner of your bedroom or on your favorite sofa. Try to make it feel special. Lighting a candle before you start helps to create a ritual around the process. Or, if you like, you can burn incense or place a fresh flower in a vase just in front of you. Assail your senses so that your body and mind learn that when you sit in your special place and the candle is lit, this is their time to switch off and allow something else to take over.

  Before I started meditating, I used to think, “When I’m in the right apartment, I’ll create the perfect space, and then I’ll do it on a regular basis.” Eventually I started anyway, and then it became about the perfect conditions. I had to be facing in the right direction, there could be no distractions, the candle and incense lit, my legs crossed. Then at one point, I was away working and had none of my usual crutches. I remember sitting on a hard floor in a fluorescently lit corner of a kitchen and experiencing one of the most blissful meditations of my life. Now I do it anywhere: in the midst of a crowd, on a bus, at work. My need for meditation to be a part of my life is greater than my need for it to be perfect.

  —GA

  When I first tried to meditate, I was scared of it. It felt like I was being put in a torture chamber where all the thoughts I’d been trying to suppress would appear and torment me. But knowing that I had to sit for only two minutes made it possible. It might not have sounded like a very long time to anyone else, but to me it was a lifetime. Over time my mind learned to quiet for that period. Just that brief respite gave me a glimpse of what was to come: peace of mind and a way of being in the world without the noise in my head constantly destabilizing me.

  —JN

  Reflection

  It feels good. Kinda like when you have to shut your computer down when it goes crazy, and when you turn it on, it’s okay again. That’s what meditation is to me.

  —ELLEN DEGENERES, comedienne, actress, and talk-show host

  Meditation is the way I achieve real, lasting change. I breathe in deeply and I breathe out, and as I do so I return to the present moment and remember the truth: I am a spiritual being on a human journey.

  Action. Today I will take time out. No matter how busy things get, I will create a moment to honor myself and the spiritual path I am on.

  Affirmation. As I breathe in and out deeply, I feel myself return to who I truly am.

  A Note on Addiction

  An addiction is any behavior you are unable to stop repeating despite its negative impact on your life. It’s a medical illness, like cancer or hepatitis—not something you can heal through willpower alone—and it’s impossible to make much real progress if you’re actively using.

  The good news is that there is great help out there. There are now twelve-step fellowships that can help with any addiction. At the back of this book are links to their websites where you’ll find self-diagnosis questionnaires and information about how to access the support that is freely available.

  One of the most cunning symptoms of addiction is denial. If you find yourself tempted to minimize your behavior, please don’t. Ignoring it will cheat you out of a whole new way of life.

  Addiction to substances such as drugs, alcohol, and food are widely known, but you can also be addicted to behaviors: excessive shopping, exercising, gaming, gambling, caretaking, loving, and sex. Basically, you can become addicted to anything that changes how you feel. A temporary period of abstinence from a substance or behavior doesn’t mean you no longer have a problem. Addiction is a progressive illness, so, in its early stages, you may be able to kid yourself that you’ve got it under control. Long term, though, it only gets worse. So if you find you’re unable to control yourself around a particular substance or behavior, you should jump straight to the resources section.

  Congratulations. You now have four Essential Practices in place that will hold you steady for the journey ahead and, we hope, for the rest of your life. Often we start this journey feeling alone. But the truth is that there are many of us—across the globe—searching for a happier, more meaningful way of living.

  Look into your own heart, discover what it is that gives you pain, then refuse, under any circumstances whatsoever, to inflict that pain on anyone else.

  —KAREN ARMSTRONG, British author who often writes about religion’s role in the world

  The 9 Principles in this book provide a compass.

  Without them, life can feel like a losing battle. We can thrash around trying to satisfy conflicting wants and needs. At times we seem to make headway in the “want” depart
ment—we get the job or the partner or the home—and yet our deeper needs get buried. Other times we feel like we’re in a rowboat with one oar, paddling as hard as we can but spinning in circles.

  The 9 Principles in this book guide us forward. They guide us home. When you’ve learned to incorporate them into your life, you’ll be able to live from a place of authenticity and love wherever you find yourself and whatever has happened in your past.

  Only if you are ready to change yourself can you be ready to change the world.

  —EDIT SCHLAFFER, Austrian social scientist and founder of Women Without Borders

  The work of transforming our world begins with healing ourselves. If we don’t do the work, we risk allowing our egos to run the show. We can wind up acting out our own unresolved issues on those we seek to help, or taking up a cause from a need to feel important rather than from a place of genuine passion and concern. Our world is full of people who inadvertently cause harm while trying to do good.

  You may feel tempted to flip through the book until you find the part that deals with a particular issue that especially relates to you—like relationships, for instance—but don’t. The 9 Principles are laid out in an order. Each one builds on the last, and if you skip through the others, you’ll shortchange yourself. When you finish the book in its entirety, you may want to keep it close for reference, but until then give yourself the gift of committing to the whole process. You may choose to complete a chapter a week or take it more slowly. You can also work through the chapters with friends or other women who are also interested in taking the journey.

  There’s no timescale, but the sooner you do the work, the sooner the miracles will manifest.

  Doing Versus Thinking

  Action is the antidote to despair.

  —JOAN BAEZ, folksinger and activist

  WE is an experiential rather than an intellectual process. Most of us exert a lot of mental energy trying to understand ourselves, but with little permanent result. We may have plenty of insights, but insights alone rarely lead to change, just as reading a recipe doesn’t result in a cooked meal—there’s still all the measuring, chopping, and stirring to do.

  For change to work, ACTion is necessary.

  ACT is one of the acronyms we’ll repeat again and again:

  Action

  Changes

  Things

  Right action leads to right thinking. Not the other way around. It’s not enough merely to know or understand. You don’t get to experience swimming by sitting on the edge of the pool. And once you’re in the water, if you want to stay afloat, you’ll need to move your arms and legs rather than just think about it.

  Action is also what will enable you to make the journey from the head to the heart. So throughout this journey, you’ll be reminded to ACT.

  Each chapter’s exercises are actions in their own right. Don’t forget them—they are an integrated part of this journey, as they’ll help you to integrate what you’re learning.

  For decades, I tried to work things out in my head. I lived with a mountain of self-help books by my bed. I’d read a chapter or two until I found an insight that made me feel better momentarily. Then I’d recommend it to someone else as a brilliant read. I thought I could get rid of my pain by understanding and knowing. I’d lie awake at night looking at things from every angle, stuck in analysis paralysis. In the end, a combination of whiskey, sleeping pills, and tranquilizers was the only way I could get any peace from the constant noise in my head. It was revolutionary to me when someone suggested I move a muscle to change a thought. I thought I had to wait for my thoughts to change before I could act. Now I know it’s the other way around. Right action creates right thinking—and self-esteem to boot.

  —JN

  I have to say that even though I was introduced to these practices decades ago, I still find it hard to do them. Even though I know what’s best for me and have experienced firsthand the difference they make in my entire life, my brain still wants to forget that I feel better when I practice them daily. Maybe it’s the fact that they work that makes the challenge greater; my ingrained, stubborn self-sabotage doesn’t want me well, or maybe it’s my internal rebel that says, “Don’t tell me what to do!” or perhaps it’s just plain laziness. Whatever my resistance is, the fact is, when I do it, it works.

  —GA

  Commitment

  There’s only one thing you need to agree to for the Principles in this book to work: a commitment to be willing. Willing to try. Willing to pick yourself up when you mess up (which we all do) and to try again.

  Anyone can make this commitment. It doesn’t require education, status, or wealth. And it certainly doesn’t require perfection.

  Nothing in this book needs to be done “right” or “perfectly.” The P-word, perfectionism, should be banned. It causes all of us monumental problems in society’s expectations of us and the demands we make on ourselves. We are not cardboard cutouts. We are individuals. That means each one of us is complicated and real, with our own unique and often messy layers of emotional wounding.

  Your head will present you with a thousand excuses, but you can and will find the time. You can and will find the space. You can and will find the courage. Those things that are no longer necessary to your well-being will fall away.

  The 9 Principles that follow are for you personally and also for the world you inhabit. The Principles are not just for your yoga mat or your place of worship; they are for decisions both big and small. They work just as well in helping you decide how to vote as they do in the grocery store aisle and as they do in your intimate relationships. Nothing is too important or too mundane for them to have an impact. Don’t keep them just for crises—they will work in every aspect of your daily life. We promise.

  This is a journey toward love.

  Prepare to be amazed.

  Principle 1

  HONESTY: Getting Real

  My true identity goes beyond the outer roles I play . . . there is an authentic “I” within . . . a divine spark within the soul.

  —SUE MONK KIDD, author of The Secret Life of Bees and other novels

  Honesty is the guide that leads us home. It returns us to our true selves and enables us to live authentically, courageously, and congruently.

  Most of us do our best to tell the truth. We might tell the occasional white lie to avoid hurting someone’s feelings or exaggerate a story for the sake of effect, but otherwise we try to be honest.

  And yet there is one person we lie to on a regular basis, perhaps even without realizing it: ourselves.

  We all do it. We tell ourselves we’re okay when we’re not. We tell ourselves we don’t mind when we do and that we can’t when we can. We say yes when we mean no and no when we want to say yes. We override our instincts in the name of being practical or polite. We bury our dreams and then help others fulfill theirs. We disguise, shave, and shape ourselves to conform to an artificial feminine ideal only to suffer the consequences: depression, relationship problems, anger issues, addiction, and despair.

  WE’s 1st Principle takes us inward. It involves digging down beneath the surface of who we think we are, in order to reclaim our true selves.

  It’s a process that involves discovering and discarding the lies and myths we’ve accumulated over the years, which have left us estranged from ourselves. It requires courage, commitment, and self-care.

  Most of us are called to this journey when we hit an obstacle in life: a relationship that’s ended badly, a betrayal or disappointment, or when one of the distractions or addictions we use to cope stops working. When our lives are ticking along and appear to be functioning, it’s easier to ignore that niggle deep in our soul, pleading for our attention.

  But wherever you are in your life, and whatever is happening, WE’s 1st Principle will bring an enormous sense of relief and freedom. There is nothing quite like being able to say, “This is who I really am,” and to feel truly glad about it.

  Losing Ourselves />
  Severe separations in early life leave emotional scars on the brain because they assault the essential human connection: the [parent-child] bond, which teaches us that we are lovable.

  —JUDITH VIORST, author and poet

  From early childhood, most of us start to lose touch with our authentic selves.

  Our instinctive need to be loved, feel safe, and belong leads us to adapt. Sometimes consciously, sometimes not, we shift in response to our parents’, teachers’, and peers’ perceptions of who we are and what we should be. And in the process, we naturally abandon parts of ourselves.

  The extent to which we do this depends largely on how well we are cared for in our early years. We rely on the world we’re born into to reflect back to us who we are. If the message we receive as babies and toddlers is that we’re loved and “enough” just as we are, we’ll have a much greater chance of developing a resilient sense of self. The less secure we are during those early years, the more we will adapt ourselves to try to win that missing approval.

  We create false selves to ensure our emotional and sometimes physical survival—subpersonalities that are almost us but not quite us. They help us get our needs met at a time when we are too young and dependent to have any other choices. The problem comes when we continue to rely on them long after they’ve fulfilled their use. Often they become so habitual that we no longer realize they’re not who we really are.

  * * *

  Exercise 1: Would the Real Me Please Stand Up?

  * * *

  This exercise will help you begin to reconnect with your authentic self.

  Pause for a moment and think about which false selves you may have developed over your lifetime. Remember that each one came into existence to keep you safe. They’re not bad, they’ve just outlived their purpose, and they prevent you from living authentically. Take out your journal. Close your eyes and allow yourself to slide backward along the timeline of your life. Be as honest as you’re able about the subpersonalities you’ve developed.