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  —GA

  You may discover that you’ve abandoned your own desires and even your tastes for those of your family, friends, or partner. Maybe it was easier that way, or perhaps you never allowed yourself the space to develop your own likes and dislikes to begin with, and it was a relief to have a ready-made set of preferences handed to you. Or perhaps you never allowed yourself the chance to hope for what you really wanted because it seemed too impossible to achieve.

  Ask yourself: “Whose life am I currently living? What would my life look like if I could have anything, be anything, do anything?”

  These can be really scary questions to answer truthfully. Don’t censor your answers or limit them with practical considerations. During this early stage, getting to know yourself can feel unsettling, daunting—even frightening. What if you’re overwhelmed by longings and hopes that you suppressed in childhood? What if you discover you’re married to the wrong person or that you hate what you do for a living? Or maybe you worry that you won’t be able to do anything about what you find. Change of this magnitude can feel terrifying, but see if you can start to take small steps to move toward where you want to be. Fears will inevitably surface, and they can at first seem paralyzing or overwhelming. Do your best to move through them at your own pace. Trust, just as you would if you were pregnant, that within you is a living, breathing being whom you are absolutely going to love.

  Allowing yourself to discover your true longings will reset your internal GPS system. You can’t even begin to get to where you’d love to be if you haven’t yet entered the real destination.

  Noticing and Naming

  Seldom can it happen that something is not a little disguised or a little mistaken.

  —Emma, by Jane Austen (1775–1817), English novelist

  Noticing and naming are two of WE’s most important tools. You’ll be using them for the rest of this journey and, hopefully, the rest of your life. The answers lie within each and every one of us, and noticing and naming provide the mechanics with which we start finding them. Your journal will continue to be a valuable tool throughout this whole process, so keep it close for all these new discoveries.

  Noticing

  Noticing is like a flashlight in the dark: it leads you to awareness. Allow yourself to notice what’s going on inside and around you. Don’t judge it or be impatient for answers. Just be curious. You can’t be honest about something you don’t know exists. Noticing will bring insight. You’ll spot contradictions, you’ll spot inconsistencies, and then over time you’ll start to spot what’s congruent with the real you and what isn’t.

  Perhaps you don’t actually want the promotion you’ve applied for, because it will leave you with even less time with your kids, but you’re scared to admit it lest you look like you’re giving up on your feminist ideals.

  Or maybe deep down you know you don’t want children, but you pretend to be broody because you fear the dismay and pain coming clean will evoke in your parents or partner.

  Remember ACT. Well, noticing is an action, so notice what you tell yourself, notice what you tell other people, notice how you feel, and allow yourself to become aware of what the reality of your life is.

  Naming

  Once you’ve noticed an uncomfortable reality, it can be easy to want to slip back into denial. If you spot buried and painful emotions or truths, it can be tempting to sweep what you’ve noticed right back under the carpet. Naming is how we stop denial from creeping back in.

  Sometimes acknowledging what you’ve noticed feels like it will be enough, but it isn’t. Things become more real when you name them. Write it down in your journal so it’s there in black and white. If you have someone safe to talk to—a therapist, a nonjudgemental friend—then say it aloud to him or her too.

  Out the truth. Notice it and then name it—in writing and, if you can, out loud.

  Of course, notice and name what brings you joy and peace too. Take nothing for granted. You are on a mission to chart your own internal territory. It is an eye-opening and profound experience being this honest. Do your best to embrace the process and enjoy the wonder of meeting yourself anew.

  * * *

  PEOPLE-PLEASING

  It’s natural to want to be liked and to want to be kind. But people-pleasing—saying yes when you mean no or pretending you like something when you don’t—is a form of dishonesty. We all do it, but if we do it without noticing and naming it, sooner or later we lose sight of what we actually do want and need.

  When we deny any aspect of ourselves, we almost always pay a price further down the line. We may think we’re being nice, but, as you’ll discover when we get to looking at anger in the 3rd Principle, courage, often you’re furious, boiling with rage, but simply don’t know how to recognize or access it.

  * * *

  As you use noticing and naming to become more honest, you’ll inevitably discover parts of yourself or your life that you want to change. Try to resist doing anything right now. This early stage isn’t the time to make major changes. This is simply the time to get honest with yourself about what areas of your life might need attention.

  When you’ve completed all 9 Principles, you’ll be able to make whatever alterations you need. Answers to problems that at the moment seem intractable will come. For now, your job is just to notice and name what’s within you.

  It’s no longer necessary to hide from truths that are inconvenient or difficult, because you are now on a path that will enable you to resolve them.

  * * *

  Exercise 3: Inconvenient Truths

  * * *

  This exercise will help you identify truths you may have had to bury. Take a moment now to write down in your journal anything in your life that you find difficult to be honest about because you wish it wasn’t there. Ask yourself what you’d change if you could. Maybe you don’t want to stay in your job, but what on earth can you do about it? Maybe you haven’t enjoyed sex with your partner for months or even years and don’t know how to stop pretending. Or maybe you don’t like the way a close friend treats you, but you don’t want to have a row.

  Maybe it’s an aspect of yourself that you would rather avoid facing. Perhaps you keep ignoring the voice inside you that says you’re drinking too much, or there’s a conflict between how you think of yourself and how you behave.

  Whatever it is, write it down. Don’t let denial creep in and mask the truths that will lead you to a more fulfilled and meaningful life. The act of noticing and naming is all the action that is required of you right now. As you work through WE’s Principles, you’ll discover more truths—add them to your list whenever you spot them.

  Don’t panic about the things that feel wrong or impossible to deal with. The following Principles will guide you to solutions. But all meaningful change begins in the same place: becoming honest with yourself. The truth will set you free, but only if you allow yourself to see it.

  * * *

  Feelings: The Good and the Bad

  As you uncover issues and parts of yourself that have lain buried for years, you’ll find some challenging feelings come with them. If you notice yourself feeling unusually sad, anxious, irritable, or needy, these are signs that the process is working.

  In the next Principle, you’ll also be shown how to release difficult emotions, but for now, focus on becoming aware of them by noticing and naming. The more conscious you become of your own internal landscape, the easier it will be to live with integrity.

  To nurture yourself during this process, try to be rigorous about your self-care. Make sure you’re allowing time for the Essential Practices you learned earlier. Go through your checklist: Have you written your gratitude list? Are you keeping to your two minutes (or longer) of meditation? Have you said your affirmations, and are you getting enough food, rest, and exercise? Now isn’t the time to cut corners.

  Taking care of yourself is the substructure of this serious work. That includes making sure you have the support around you that you ne
ed. That could be a counsellor, a support group, or like-minded friends. Or if you know other women who want to apply these spiritual Principles to their lives, you can explore supporting and encouraging one another. It’s common for women in our culture to think it’s strong to be self-reliant, but it’s a signal of great strength when you are able to truly open yourself to receive. This is a WE process, not a me process—there are no medals for going it alone.

  If you haven’t found your sister travelers yet, you will. As you practice the Principles in your life, you’ll find that like-minded women are increasingly drawn to you. You don’t need to make it happen. Keep walking this walk, stay open, and it just will.

  But remember, there’s an important person who is already on this journey with you who can nurture you and encourage you through it: you.

  Inner Girl

  When we’re hysterical, it’s often historical. It has been estimated that 90 percent of the distress we feel in the present can, in fact, be attributed to our past.5

  Inside every one of us is a wounded self, carrying hurts and needs. If we’re to have any hope of living honestly and happily, we need to learn how to soothe and heal ourselves.

  Picture that wounded part of yourself as a small girl. You may think her feelings don’t have influence because you’ve adapted so effectively to the adult world, but they’re still there just beneath the surface. Until they’re uncovered and taken care of, you’re at their mercy.

  The time to get childhood needs met from your parents or caregivers has now passed, but you can do the work yourself by showing that wounded inner girl the unconditional love she didn’t get the first time around.

  Talk to her: the frightened, hurt part of yourself. Encourage her, praise her, and coach her through situations as you would your own child. Tell her she doesn’t need to be scared, she’s not alone, she’s not abandoned—you are there to love, support, and protect her. Talk to her out loud, or if you’re in public, have a silent internal dialogue with her. This is your chance to re-parent yourself by replacing any harmful messages you got as a girl.

  Take this process gently and at a pace that feels right for you. Powerful emotions can surface as you uncover these past wounds—and that’s normal. If you feel at any time that it’s becoming too much, it’s important to seek support from a friend or a professional.

  Just as with a real child who’s clamoring for attention, if you take the time to meet her needs, you’ll find that she settles down and lets you get on with whatever it is you’re doing.

  When I find myself reacting to a situation in a way that is out of proportion to what is actually happening (which is still way too often), I try to have a silent dialogue with myself. I ask myself how old I’m feeling. An answer normally comes back pretty swiftly. Often it’s three, sometimes it’s six, and sometimes I feel like a newborn baby. I then ask that younger part of myself what she needs, and I try to find ways of soothing and comforting her that are age appropriate. It sounds crazy, but it really does work. Often I want to be held, so I’ll either ask a friend for a hug or wrap my arms around myself and give that younger “me” a loving embrace. I’ll chat to her and tell her everything is going to be all right and that I’m here for her and that I love her—just as I would a real child. Once her needs are met, I find that I’ve miraculously grown myself back up again. The adult part of me can then get on with my day or respond to whatever is happening with the grace of a woman rather than with the tears or rage of a wounded child.

  —JN

  Picture your inner girl each morning before you meditate and then try to carry a mental image of her held tight and safe in your heart as you go through the day. You could even start carrying a real-life photo of yourself at a young age in your purse.

  Take your inner girl out to play whenever you can. The healing benefits are miraculous. Be curious. Find out what she likes and doesn’t like, because they will be clues to unlocking your joy. Try to give her a treat at least once a week. Maybe she likes to spend time in parks or listen to live music. Maybe she likes baking cookies or shaping figures out of clay. Have fun with her and allow her to breathe and be happy. Really get to know her as you would if you were fostering a young child. If you have children, let her play with them. The better care you take of your inner girl, the better you’ll be able to respond to life’s challenges with grace and maturity.

  Both the good and the bad news about this journey is that you get to connect to a whole palette of feelings. Some are pleasant, some painful, but all of them are absolutely vital. They are the clues that will lead you back to yourself.

  One of the main reasons we abandon parts of ourselves in the first place is to avoid painful feelings—not realizing, of course, that we’re paying a far greater price in losing ourselves.

  At some point along the way, a therapist referred to my lack of self-care as neglect. When she said it, I was shocked. That’s a strong word. But she was right. I am and always have been the last person I take care of, if at all. I push myself so hard and pile so much onto my plate and have for so long that I don’t know how to do it differently. I’ve barely paused to ask my adult self what I need, let alone my inner child. But it is my inner child and her fear from decades of being neglected by her adult self that is the real victim here. It is only when I stop to ask what she needs and how she would like to see things play out that I can see another way that involves space and gentleness and laughter.

  —GA

  Trust the Process

  Some of us live in cultures, countries, and communities where it simply isn’t safe to be honest. Some of us grew up in families where we had to hide who we were to survive emotionally, and even decades after we’ve left home and the danger’s long gone, we can still struggle to reveal the truth. Sometimes it takes a lifetime to say, “This is who I am. This is what I think. This is what I feel. This is what my body looks like and—you know what?—I’m happy about that!”

  It takes as long as it takes. This journey back to ourselves is not over and done with in a finite period of time. More will be revealed to us about the parts of ourselves we’ve buried or abandoned, as well as the parts we thought were integral to us, but which, it turns out, were actually just ways of coping with life.

  Ultimately our intention is to be ourselves wherever we are. We’ll still be complex and multifaceted, but each aspect will be a reflection of our true selves rather than characters we pretend to play. We may be less perfect, but we’ll be a lot happier and a lot more real.

  Honesty in the Wider World

  There are no shortcuts. Being true to yourself and what really counts is the only route that leads anywhere.

  —DR. SARAH FANE, founder of the charity Afghan Connection

  Telling the truth is for many of us a political act as well as a personal act. It says, “I’m real—not a stereotype.”

  As women, we’ve been obliged to hide our feelings and our desires for centuries. Although many of us now live in societies that are—on the face of it, at least—a lot more equal, it is still difficult for us to tell it like it is. To really be honest out loud with others.

  It’s a new muscle. Many of us have been conditioned to seek consensus rather than challenge it. That’s one of the things that make women so awesome to be around: we’re not constantly picking fights for the sake of it or entering into unnecessary competition. But it means that often we’ve lost the habit of speaking up.

  At this early point in our journey, our primary responsibility is to be truthful with ourselves, not to slip back into denial and lose ourselves again. But when you’re ready, you can start practicing honesty out loud.

  A good starting place is with the truths that are nearest home.

  Imagine what it would be like if we all told the truth about what it is to be female.

  If we stopped pretending to be fine when we felt vulnerable.

  If we stopped hiding our needs so as to appear “likeable.”

  If we could say we f
ound being a mother tough or that we hated breastfeeding while everyone around us said they loved it.

  If we could speak openly about the menopause and what it involves.

  If we could say that we hate the dating app Tinder but are afraid of loneliness.

  If we could talk about how it can be difficult or impossible to orgasm.

  If we could talk about stress incontinence.

  Imagine what would happen if we collectively decided it wasn’t okay that we had to make ourselves look sexy in order to feel accepted; that we had to pretend we don’t bleed or have body hair or unequal-sized breasts.

  If we didn’t feel we had to interrupt the aging process to hold our place in the work force or society.

  Imagine if each of us—one woman at a time—said, kindly but firmly, “Enough. No more pretending. This is who I really am.”

  And once we’ve started to tell the truth about those aspects of ourselves that we’ve been made to feel aren’t acceptable, we can start to tell it like it is in all sorts of other areas.

  In the past, many of us tolerated injustice, discrimination, or abuse for fear of rocking the boat. Increasingly, we find we can no longer tolerate the unacceptable—we see it as a distorted form of people-pleasing.

  In 2016, I made public that I was initially offered half the amount my male costar was offered for a job that is famously a “duo” and an equal amount of work. I eventually got parity, but I knew that one day I would have to “out” what happened for the sake of, well, women. I can’t tell you how nervous it made me. Even though everyone on my team and everyone I had told since was shocked and appalled at the audacity, until the moment when it slipped out in an interview, every time I even thought about saying it publicly, I felt afraid and nauseous. It was, I think, purely the fact that the subject of pay equality had been broached fairly recently and on a very public scale by numerous well-respected women in my industry that gave me the strength to get into it. Even though I’d had the same “fight” for parity with the same network two decades earlier and won. Even though it was insulting and disrespectful and sexist of the company that I’d helped to accumulate billions. Even though it was the truth! I was afraid of angering The Man and embarrassing the woman in charge.