We Page 8

  —GA

  It may not always be necessary to tell our truth out loud. We don’t need to grandstand or court attention. Not all of us will be physically or economically safe enough to speak out. But when we are, and truth and honesty are called for, increasingly we’ll find ourselves telling it as we see it.

  Slowly but surely, we’ll find it harder not to speak out, and we’ll discover that as we change, the world changes too.

  Reflection

  Self-respect has nothing to do with the approval of others.

  —JOAN DIDION, author

  People-pleasing is a dangerous game. When I focus too much on others, I abandon myself. I may start off by trying just to be nice, but before I know it, I’m trying to be whoever I think the other person wants me to be.

  Often my need for approval comes from unmet childhood needs. But if I spend my life trying to manipulate others into making up for it, I will lose touch with who I really am.

  Action. Today I will have the courage to be me, irrespective of what others think.

  Affirmation. I am true to myself.

  Principle 2

  ACCEPTANCE: Making Friends with What Is

  How wild it was, to let it be.

  —CHERYL STRAYED, author of Wild, among other books

  Acceptance gives us the ability to handle whatever life throws our way. It asks that we sit with what is—even when it’s painful. In return, it transforms our relationship with reality and enables us to find peace.

  Life hurts. Sometimes it hurts unbearably. Few of us are called to this journey unless we’ve suffered heartache, and many of us arrive at its start laden down with loss and disappointment.

  As adults, we know that painful emotions are an inevitable part of being human. But what many of us don’t realize is that much of the suffering we experience isn’t inevitable at all. It comes from our not knowing how to use a vital spiritual Principle: acceptance.

  Like all of WE’s Principles, acceptance works just as well for the small things in life as it does for the big ones. You can use it to deal with minor irritations or howling pain. Whenever you find yourself struggling with difficult emotions or obsessing about how to change something, acceptance is the Principle to reach for.

  Surrender to Win

  Surrender affirms that we are no longer willing to live in pain.

  —DEBBIE FORD (1955–2013), self-help author and coach

  Without acceptance, we find ourselves in conflict with reality. We resist what is and then make ourselves the victims of it. We get stuck in the drama, the pain, and the rights and wrongs of what should and could have happened.

  We spend our precious energy begging, pleading, and fighting against our lot rather than working out what we can do about it, and, in the process, we generate a lot of unnecessary pain for ourselves and others.

  This is true even when we have the best of motives. “If you loved me, you’d stop drinking,” we tell an alcoholic loved one whom we know is powerless over his or her addiction to alcohol. “Please come back,” we beg an ex who’s clearly moved on. We become attached to outcomes, and when we can’t make them happen, we’re miserable. Even if it’s just the rush-hour gridlock or the rain, our default response is to rail against it and want it to be otherwise.

  This approach to life doesn’t work. It leaves us emotionally battered and unhappy.

  Being in conflict with reality is no different from banging your head against a brick wall and wondering why it hurts. Until you accept that the wall is there, you’ll get bruised again and again and again. But once you accept it’s there, you begin to have choices. You can work out how to get over it, under it, or around it. Or you might decide to grow roses against it or use it for shade.

  * * *

  SERENITY, PLEASE

  The Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr is used by millions of people all over the world. You don’t have to have any sort of faith to benefit from it. At its heart is a simple formula: change what you can and accept what you can’t. When you apply it to your life, you can feel at peace no matter what is happening. If you find yourself obsessing about a problem, instead of trying to work it out in your head, repeat this prayer to yourself:

  “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

  * * *

  Acceptance is a process that we often have to repeat again and again.

  You don’t need to believe that acceptance will help for it to work. You just have to be willing to give it a try. When you apply it to your life—no matter how imperfectly—things miraculously get a whole lot easier.

  Acceptance takes real courage. It ultimately involves grieving losses you’d rather deny. It involves hitting the pause button, so that you can feel whatever you need to feel and then not only let go of how you wish reality was but ultimately make friends with it, just as it is.

  Until you accept things as they are rather than as you’d like them to be, you’ll remain stuck in a prolonged emotional tantrum, battling with what’s happened. It doesn’t mean you like how things are. Acceptance isn’t capitulation or resignation. It’s a vital step in the process of transformation and finding peace.

  It’s only once you’ve accepted reality—shorn of your wishes and wants—that you can start to bring about change.

  Whether you’re struggling with a breakup, a loved one’s harmful habits or behaviors, or just the daily rough-and-tumble of living, acceptance provides a new way of handling life that brings lasting emotional freedom.

  * * *

  Exercise 1: The Acceptance Cup

  * * *

  For this exercise, you’ll need your journal and a cup. (An empty pot or jar will do just as well.) Draw a large A on the front of your cup—nail polish works well—and, if you have the time and inclination, decorate it.

  Take a moment to center yourself and then make a list of anything that is upsetting you right now. It can be large or small. A rejection or a loss. Anything that, when you think of it, makes you feel a live jolt of emotion. You don’t need to write explanations—just a word or a name to denote what you’ve found that hurts.

  You don’t need to refeel what you’re writing down. This isn’t about getting stuck in your emotions; think of it more as detective work. What you’re jotting down are clues. Keep going until no other charged thoughts come to you.

  If you do find yourself becoming upset, pause to do something kind for yourself: perhaps take a short walk or make a cup of tea.

  If you’re someone who shuts down and finds it hard to know what you feel, then ask yourself, “What would I be feeling sad about if I let myself?” Perhaps a bereavement or loss, or something you wish had turned out differently.

  Once you’ve come to the end of your list, it’s time to start the acceptance process. Look over each item and ask yourself this one simple question: “Is there anything I can do about this situation?”

  If there is, jot down on a separate to-do list any actions you could take. Try to be brutally honest. Often we’re tempted to imagine we can change things we have no control over. You may want to check your to-do list with someone you trust to make sure that you’re being really honest.

  If there is nothing you can do—or you’re not sure—write the letter A beside the entry: A stands for “accept.”

  Now look at every item that has an A beside it. You’ll find they are all linked by a common characteristic: they are all things over which you have no control. Absorb that fact. When we’re most in pain, it’s often because we’re trying to change something over which we are powerless.

  One by one, tear off each A item and place it in your cup. As you do, take a moment to acknowledge that it is painful to accept this loss or sad feeling, but that there is nothing you can do. Try not to get sucked into the pain. Just nod to it, as you would to a familiar face or acquaintance, and say, “This is as it is.”

  Accept with your heart as w
ell as your mind that you are powerless. Surrender. Give up the fight and allow yourself to experience the relief of not having to be in control.

  You are handing over the person, situation, or event to the flow of life, which is deeper and stronger than you are.

  Put your Acceptance Cup somewhere safe and use this process whenever you bump up against a situation you can do nothing about. If you find yourself dwelling upon any of the items in your cup, remind yourself that it is not yours to worry about or to fix now.

  When we let go of a problem, it creates the space for solutions to appear.1

  * * *

  Accepting “what is” is like letting go of the rope in the middle of a tug of war. You remain standing, and what you’ve been battling with tumbles to the ground.

  Once you agree to stop being in conflict with reality and accept it just as it is, you’ll experience a huge shift.

  That doesn’t mean that you like or condone what is. It isn’t about saying that something is okay when it really isn’t. But peace of mind will elude you until you let go of bargaining with things that you can’t change.

  The Things We Can’t Change (The Past, People, Places, and Things)

  We can’t change the past, and yet many of us spend years thinking about how things could have or should have been. When we accept that the past has happened and there’s nothing we can do about it, we give ourselves permission to move into the present.

  Similarly, we can’t really change people, places, and things. When we try to control someone or something, even if it’s with the best of intentions, we often end up being controlled by that other person, thing, or situation. We abandon ourselves in pursuit of an outcome and rob ourselves of the chance to find peace.

  So if you’re struggling with one of these, ask yourself whether there’s something in the situation that you need to accept. If there is, get out your Acceptance Cup and use the exercise you’ve just learned to free yourself.

  The more we start to accept the things we can’t change in our lives, the more effective we become at changing the things we can: namely, our own attitudes and actions.

  When we’re able to bring back the focus to what we do have power over, we can then connect to our own sense of power and grace.

  * * *

  Exercise 2: Step into Your Light

  * * *

  This exercise will help you stay in your personal power. Find yourself a space where you won’t be disturbed. Stand with your feet hip-width apart, so that you feel stable and grounded. Close your eyes and imagine that a spotlight is shining down on you. The light is bright and full of love. You are standing in a shower of affection and warmth. You are standing in the glory of being you, and it feels right, enough, and very, very good.

  Now imagine drawing a circle on the ground around the edge of where the light falls. If you were to hold out your arms and turn in a circle, the light would reach about that far from you in all directions and encircle you. Inside your circle is what you can control: yourself.

  On the other side of the line is darkness and, within it, all the things that you can’t control. Every time you step outside of your light to try to change a person, place, or thing, you abandon yourself and step into darkness. Sometimes you may mistake someone else’s light as your own for a time. When you enter the dark, you lose yourself and your power. When you stay in your light, all things are possible.

  Imagine for a moment that you are stepping out of your light to try to force someone else to see things your way. Feel how destabilizing it is and how your power fades. Now step back into your light and reexperience the feeling of standing in the warmth of love and wholeness. Feel how empowering it is. Enjoy standing there for as long as you like. Breathe it in. Savor its richness. Try to connect with this feeling during your daily meditations.

  As you go through your week, notice when you step out of your power. For instance, when you find yourself experiencing pain or discomfort, look at where your feet are—have you stepped into someone else’s circle? If so, step back into your own light. Return home and know that you are loved and that all things are possible.

  * * *

  Accepting Responsibility

  As women, we often accept responsibility for things that aren’t our fault. This can be a convenient but destructive way to avoid reality. If you label something as being your fault, then you don’t have to accept that the other person might not be able to give you what you want or need. If you pretend to yourself that you’re the cause of another person’s dysfunction or cruelty, you may be keeping hope alive, but the waltz of denial will have you avoiding responsibility for yourself and will likely cause you excruciating pain.

  Acceptance allows us to stop making excuses and start making tough calls. Do you want peace of mind or just to carry on taking the path of least resistance? Yes, you can go to a party your ex is throwing, if you really are okay with the pain that will induce. You can say yes to a promotion you don’t want in order to get the pay raise, but you have to be willing to accept the frustration, stress, and lack of spare time that comes with it. You can date someone you’re not attracted to in order to avoid feeling lonely, but only if you’re willing to deal with the pain that it will generate for both of you further down the line.

  Acceptance asks that we get real about what we’re up to and accept our truth now, rather than spinning fictions for ourselves or others.

  Accepting Reality

  The Principles build upon and support one another. For instance, honesty and acceptance walk hand in hand: you can’t solve a problem unless you admit it exists. And you can’t get over an emotion that you deny you’re even feeling, so stay vigilant for any signs of self-deception.

  Whenever you feel uncomfortable, notice and name the feeling and then get honest about what you might not want to accept. For example, if you notice you feel really crazy when you spend time with a particular person or in a specific environment, name it to avoid slipping into denial or self-blame, or trying to fix it when it may have nothing to do with you. When you find yourself constantly excusing someone else’s bad behavior, notice and name it. Again, you may quietly think “It’s me” when someone repeatedly disappoints you or stands you up. Noticing and naming opens you up to accepting the reality that he or she is simply unreliable.

  None of this is about blame or judgement. It’s just about getting truthful, connected, and real. That’s not to say you won’t feel furious and rebellious about what you’re noticing and naming. It’s entirely natural not to want to accept that your partner is an addict, or that someone you love is ill, or that you can’t change a decision that an institution or a politician has made.

  If you’re experiencing a lot of internal resistance, try accepting that you are refusing to accept. Often, wanting to want to is enough to begin the process.

  Feelings: The Price Tag for Acceptance

  No one likes crying, but tears water our souls.

  —XUE XINRAN, Chinese-born journalist and advocate for women’s issues

  Acceptance is the gateway to peace of mind, but there’s one very powerful reason we resist it: our feelings.

  The majority of us try to avoid or minimize our emotional pain. In fact, for many of us, avoiding our feelings has become a way of life.

  But as difficult and as painful as those emotions are, in order to access the miraculous peace that acceptance brings, we need to learn how to negotiate them.

  Living on the Run: Avoidance

  We bury things so deep we no longer remember there was anything to bury. Our bodies remember. Our neurotic states remember. But we don’t.

  —JEANETTE WINTERSON, British writer

  Many times, instead of feeling our pain, we act as though emotional discomfort is some kind of subterranean monster we can trap beneath our constant activity and motion.

  We do it with substances, overeating or undereating, or spending hours online. Perhaps we avoid it by compulsively socializing or overscheduling so that th
ere are no nasty gaps through which the pain can emerge. We might hide in work or parenting. If you’re already on a spiritual path, you might use your journey as a form of avoidance—constantly looking for new tools and new teachers to help you avoid pain rather than feel it.

  Even self-hatred can be a form of avoidance. The pain hits, and you immediately start trying to work out what you’ve done wrong. You beat yourself up and imagine that if you were smarter or prettier or luckier, you wouldn’t feel what you’re feeling. Maybe you try to change your body so you’ll be a bit more lovable. Perhaps you buy another self-help book and make a fresh set of resolutions that you fail to keep. Thrashing around, looking for answers to give the illusion of control.

  Other times we get drawn into the drama of our story and find ourselves bogged down in blame and self-pity. We feel wronged or rejected. We start to believe that fate has stacked the odds against us. We’ll never get what we want and need. “See?” we say. “I’m not worthy of good things,” or “Nothing good ever happens to me.”