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  This is a path of love and love is woven through every step of the journey. The Essentials and Principles you’ve learned so far have been preparing you for love. The very same obstacles that blocked you from connecting with your authentic self can block you from experiencing love. Ego-based thinking, emotional wounds, and fear can all get in the way. As can preconceptions as to where, how, and with whom we will experience it. But with the power contained in the principles we can all clear away what blocks us from love and become a channel through which love can flow.

  Loving Others

  Love asks that we don’t discriminate. That we love those we know and those we don’t, those we like and those we’d rather avoid. Our neighbor is absolutely anyone: friend, stranger, or foe.

  As women, we’re all familiar with what it feels like to be on the receiving end of discriminatory or abusive behavior. But without realizing it, most of us also discriminate against and judge others.

  Think about it. In your friendships, do you always go for the cool, popular people? Do you want to be only with the people you judge as being like you? Do you justify avoiding those who come from different backgrounds or socioeconomic strata by saying you’re not likely to have as much in common?

  Do you let your own agenda and needs influence your engagement? Do you automatically critique the people you encounter—their dress, their class, their race, their appearance? Are you one-upping and one-downing without even being aware? Are you impatient or intolerant with those who aren’t as smart as you? How do you treat those you have power over—i.e., dependent family members, newcomers to any social group, or anyone you employ? How do you treat the strangers you pass in the street, the newspaper vendor, the shop assistant, the waitress?

  Every one of your encounters gives you the choice to either set yourself apart or to practice love.

  The further down this path you travel, the less you will find yourself able to engage in behaviors that were once second nature. How often have you bonded with others by gossiping? Or pretended (even to yourself) that you weren’t gossiping at all but assessing a situation to work things out for everyone’s benefit? Perhaps you use it as a way of making yourself look insightful. All gossip is a form of attack—no matter how good it might make you feel.

  In each encounter, ask yourself, “What would love do?” Apply the Golden Rule and treat others as you’d like to be treated yourself.

  * * *

  THE SHAME GAME

  When examining our own actions, it can be easy to slip into shame, guilt, or self-blame. Resist the temptation. Beating yourself up is just another racket. This is fact finding. It’s about becoming aware, because without awareness, we can’t change. The behaviors you’re noticing and naming were developed to protect you and get your needs met. They may not be desirable, but they’re understandable. Now that you’re aware of them, you’ve got a choice. So use your energy to change rather than blame or shame. Remember, love isn’t just for others—it’s for you as well.

  * * *

  Our Template

  All of us are in relationships all the time. And whether they’re romantic or not, we can find ourselves slipping into old, harmful patterns. With frightening speed, we can re-create our childhood patterns of relating: in the workplace, dropping off or picking up your children from school, or in the bedroom.

  The template for how you love others lies in your family and upbringing. What you grow up with, you learn. If you lived with abuse, you’ll carry within you the knowledge and capacity to abuse.

  If you grew up with compassion, you’ll find it easier to have compassion for others. But no matter how wonderful our parents and other early caregivers, most of us carry wounds that interfere with our ability to love.

  * * *

  ABANDONED OR ENGULFED BY LOVE

  Two of the most frequent ways we can be wounded in childhood is by receiving too little love or too much. Both significantly affect how we conduct ourselves in adult relationships.

  Emotional or physical neglect can reveal itself in adulthood as excessive neediness. Whereas being smothered by love, due to our primary caregiver’s own neediness or anxiety, can lead to a paradoxical fear of intimacy and a pattern of avoiding the connection that’s craved.

  Most of us can swing between feeling needy or feeling smothered, depending upon whom we are with and their pattern of relating. Extreme states of neediness and avoidance can be signs of an underlying addiction. The medical profession now accepts that love can be an addiction in its own right, and there are specific twelve-step fellowships one can go to for help.1

  * * *

  If we don’t take responsibility for those early childhood wounds, we can stay stuck in a lifelong standoff. We can find ourselves repeatedly re-creating the same dynamics that we experienced as a child in the hope that the ending will be different.

  But when we try to make someone else—a parent, friend, partner, or even boss—heal our early wounds by giving us what we lacked in childhood, we end up getting what we got the first time around: a mountain of pain.

  Others can’t change our template, but we can. So when you find yourself struggling, look back to see if a childhood wound is being reopened and then use the spiritual tools you’ve learned to bring about change.

  Keep your focus on what you can change: yourself. Not your past or your family.

  It was many years into my working life before I realized that I was carrying my childhood template for relating into my adult workplace. It was not a good look! My boss (who, this being a newsroom, was typically male) always became my father. I’d seek his attention at every opportunity. Those I worked with became my siblings, and I’d feel rivalry whenever they, too, sought his praise. I’d regress to being the jealous but good girl who overperformed to win her emotionally distant father’s attention. I often did win my boss’s approval (and became a workaholic in the process), but it didn’t do anything to heal my inner girl’s broken heart. No matter how much acclaim she got, she wanted more. Because, of course, what she really longed for was to be loved for who she was, not for what she did. Thanks to these Principles, I learned to give her the love she needed, but if I skimp on my self-care, I can easily slip into that pattern of relating when I’m in the presence of a powerful, competent male.

  —JN

  The stronger the connection we feel with someone, the greater the triggers into our past will be. You may be amazed at how quickly you can regress into childlike feelings. So take time out to connect with the wounded part, your inner girl. (See page 75.) Ask her what she wants and needs. Usually it will be to feel seen and heard and safe. You can provide that for her.

  * * *

  INSTANT RELIEF

  If you’re overwhelmed in the moment by an emotion, try this simple but effective tool. Make a fist and then place it over your heart. Press it gently into your chest as you breathe in and out deeply, telling yourself (silently if you’re in public), “Although I’m sad/angry/upset about ________________, I am safe, and I’m okay.”

  It’s a great way to self-soothe when you’re feeling triggered.

  And don’t forget the tools you’ve learned so far: Notice, Name, Feel, and Release your emotions; use affirmations and meditation to help you return to center; look for your part in your resentments; and then bring yourself into the present and ask what love would do.

  * * *

  I owe a large chunk of my spiritual growth to my first husband. We had an incredibly messy and painful divorce with lots of horrible conflict, from which it took many years to recover. But if it hadn’t been for all that pain, I wouldn’t be on the path that I am on now. Looking back, I can see how it led to transformation. I had to learn to love in the face of anger and what felt like hatred—otherwise I wouldn’t have survived. I am no longer the wounded child who entered that marriage demanding to be loved. I am an adult woman who is happy in her own skin—with or without a partner. I now refer to my first husband as my greatest teacher and, extraordinari
ly, I feel genuine gratitude and love, despite the pain we put each other through.

  —JN

  Understanding

  And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

  —ELIZABETH APPELL

  While much of your life may have been spent wanting to be understood, love turns the tables and asks that you make trying to understand others your priority. With understanding comes compassion and the realization that deep down we are all the same, and have the same needs, wants, and fears.

  When we truly understand others and our awareness of differences evaporates, love becomes easy. We see beyond our personal story, prejudices and preferences, and can become truly present and available. We realize that our similarities matter most, and we can start to be able to practice love in every situation.

  * * *

  Exercise 1: Our Enemy’s Shoes

  * * *

  This exercise can help you gain more insight, and therefore more compassion, for those who have hurt you.

  Pick someone you feel animosity toward. It can be someone from your own life or even a public figure.

  Imagine you’re an actor, and you are to play the other person’s part. To do that effectively, you need to understand his or her motivation. You’re a professional, so take the time you need to find out as much as possible about the person’s early life and influences. What was their childhood like? Why do they think and act as they do? What has hurt them? What has nurtured them? How have they become who they are today? If you want, you can write it out or, if they are someone in the public eye, use the library or internet to do your research.

  If the person is a political figure, try to understand their cause and why they fight for it. What does it mean to them? You are not seeking to excuse or condone anything they’ve done but to understand, so that you can play your part as effectively as possible.

  When you’ve gathered as much information as you can, center yourself and close your eyes.

  Imagine sitting opposite the person. If they are truly someone who makes you feel unsafe, you might prefer to imagine that you are visiting them in prison or perhaps under the protection of a bodyguard or guardian angel.

  Hold this person in your mind’s eye. Notice and name the strength of your feeling. Is it hate? Is it hurt? Is it a combination of both? Whatever it is, try to allow yourself to connect with the feeling and then release it. Remember, you are not here to judge but to understand. Your antagonist is sitting in front of you, just a few feet away. If you both reached out your arms, your hands would touch. Look straight into his or her eyes. Hold their gaze and then hold it some more. Keep staring straight ahead and hold this imaginary focus for the rest of the exercise.

  Now, as you look into their eyes, ask yourself why they’ve done what they’ve done. Start your questioning in the present and then move back in time. Keep asking why. Was it because they were abused themselves? Because they were abandoned or their father died when they were young or they grew up in poverty? Let the question lead you further and further back in time. Keep looking into their eyes. What do you notice about their eyes? How different are they from your eyes? How different are they from the eyes of someone you are close to? Now cross the divide between you and imagine you are that person. See and feel what it’s like to be in their skin.

  This may make you very uncomfortable. It may bring up all kinds of difficult emotions. But it may also bring you one step closer to feeling compassion for this other human being. When you feel you have learned all you can, take your time returning to center. Breathe in and out as many times as you need to. Say your name out loud and maybe shake your arms and legs to return to being you.

  Think of your “character” and their motivation. Now try to reconnect with the animosity you felt for them. Notice how much it has diminished. The more we educate ourselves about another, the harder it is to judge. Next time you feel the desire to condemn, try to defuse that natural impulse through understanding.

  * * *

  Those who hurt us can become our greatest teachers. Love—in the form of compassion—shows us that they’re usually caught up in their own woundedness, grievances, or fear. We’ve said it before: hurt people hurt people. So set the boundaries you need to set (see page 252) and instead of retaliating, try to trust that they’re doing their best—no matter how it might appear.

  Looking for Romantic Love

  The crucible of romantic love will stress test your spiritual growth more than any other challenge. If you don’t feel happy and complete on your own, you’re not ready yet for someone else. So, ironically, we know we’re ready for romantic love when we no longer feel a desperate need for it.

  There is no rush; practicing the Principles in this book will bring you the sense of comfort you ordinarily long for in someone else’s arms.

  * * *

  SINGLE BY CHOICE

  If you find yourself obsessing about when you’re going to meet the perfect person, try doing the opposite of what you feel. Step back, take time out, and see what’s behind all the urgency.

  It can also be liberating to set ourselves a specific time period during which we’re not going to look for a partner. Try committing to three to six months. During that period, put down the habits that feed your neediness. Stop scanning and stop flirting. No more placing yourself in locations that might possibly bear results. Give up trying to make yourself lovable, and you’ll discover that you already are.

  Use this opportunity to seek out friendships with women who are comfortable with themselves and their singledom. But also use this time to really enjoy your relationship with yourself. Take yourself on dates, buy yourself treats, and truly take delight in the only person whom you can guarantee will be with you until death do you part. You’ll then be in much better shape when you start dating again.

  After your self-designated sabbatical is up, test your readiness by seeing how reactive you are around your family. This may feel like it’s beside the point, but if you’re still red-hot with hurt and resentment, there’s more work to be done. You want your adult woman, not your wounded inner girl, to be in charge of whom you eventually choose to be with.

  * * *

  Dating

  We are not what other people say we are. We are who we know ourselves to be, and we are what we love. That’s okay.

  —LAVERNE COX, transgender actress and activist

  Dating is the process of looking for someone who is worthy and able to fill an incredibly important and intimate role. It’s an information-gathering process that takes time. Do first interviews and then second, third, fourth, and fifth—as many as you think you need. Use it to find out who the person is and whether he might be able to meet your requirements. Treat dates as opportunities to research whether you want what’s on offer. Don’t try to close that anxious gap between liking someone and not knowing whether it’s going to work by pushing things along too fast.

  From now on, you’re the chooser, not the chosen.

  If you find yourself focusing on what your date is thinking about you and whether or not he likes you, hit the pause button, because you’re abandoning yourself. What others think of you is their business. What matters is what you think of you—and in this instance, of them.

  * * *

  HISTORICAL BAGGAGE

  It’s not surprising that dating can be fraught with anxiety. Historically, as women, how our lives unfolded depended upon whether or not we were taken on by a man through marriage or as a dependent. When women finally won the right to vote in the United Kingdom in 1918—two years before their American sisters—only married women qualified! Even today, the tax system rewards marriage for both heterosexual and same-sex couples. Add to that the economic and social benefits of sharing a home, the ticking of our biological clocks (if we want children), and the societal stigma that can accompany being single, and it’s easy to see how a natural longing for a mate can morph into something less healthy.r />
  * * *

  In the past, you may have worried about whether the person you just met liked or fancied you more than whether you actually liked and wanted them.

  But now you have a different attitude. You are a precious and unique being. Instead of worrying about being chosen, actively work out what you do and don’t want.

  * * *

  Exercise 2: Drawing Up a Partner Spec

  * * *

  This exercise will help you get clear on who exactly is the right person for you. It is a great exercise whether or not you’re actively seeking love. If you’re in a relationship, it can remind you to stay honest. If you’re looking for a relationship, it gives you a job spec. And if you’re taking time out, you can shelve this exercise for when you are ready to start looking.

  Take a blank piece of paper and draw a line down the middle from top to bottom. Head the left-hand side “Needs” and the right-hand side “Wants.” In your Needs column, write down the qualities of a relationship and attributes of a partner that are nonnegotiable for you. So you might put “mutual attraction” in Needs but “good looks” in the Wants column. “Solvent” may go in the Needs column, but “wealthy” should go in the Wants. The reason to be rigorous about this is that it’s likely you have adopted attitudes that reflect your conditioning, rather than your authentic values, without even realizing it.