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  Fill out both columns with as much detail as you like. Then look at what you’ve written. Is there anything that you really long for that isn’t on your list? Add it to the Wants column.

  If you wish, share what you’ve written with someone you trust to make sure you haven’t confused your wants with your needs.

  All lists will differ, but there are two qualities that should be in everyone’s Needs column: “available” and “kind.” If you didn’t include these, please add them now. “Available,” means that the person is not with someone else and is also emotionally open. That, of course, rules out anyone who is in active addiction. Using addicts, of whatever kind, are not emotionally available. Their primary relationship will always be with their drug of choice.

  Everything that is in your Needs column is nonnegotiable. You must get your legitimate needs met 100 percent. Your Wants are less important. They are the icing on the cake—but without the cake, they’re meaningless.

  Keep a copy of your “Needs” column in your journal or phone. Remind yourself that you’re not settling for anything less. Then fold up the original list and place it in your Acceptance Cup.

  You’ve charted your course, and sooner or later the universe will respond. How will you know when that time has come? You’ll meet someone who meets your needs. Your side of the bargain is that you must decline to settle for anything less.

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  THE GOLDEN RULE FOR DATING

  The Golden Rule gives us a simple code of conduct. We treat others as we’d want to be treated ourselves. That means not flirting with anyone else’s partner. If he’s (or she’s) with someone else, he’s out of bounds, period. If that person is flirting with you, check in with yourself to see if you’re reciprocating. Ask yourself how that person’s partner would feel if she saw you, and you’ll know instantly. Simple, perhaps, but easy to forget.

  For years, society has pitted women against one another. The time for this to stop is now! We need to start treating one another as if we are important, precious, and worthy of respect if we want society to do the same.

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  Staying Honest

  It’s not your job to like me—it’s mine.

  —BYRON KATIE, founder of The Work

  No matter how powerful we may feel in other aspects of our lives, many of us adapt ourselves to fit into relationships that can never meet our needs. We do it out of fear that nothing better will come along. We hide the parts of ourselves we are afraid aren’t lovable and alter ourselves to fit into the space we think a current or future partner might want.

  Of course, we want to be liked. We want to be chosen. We want to fit in. But if we allow parts of our real selves to be invisible, we eventually erase ourselves, and before long, we’re back at the start of this journey—lost and in pain.

  Remember your commitment from the 1st Principle to being honest about who you really are? If you catch yourself pretending to be something you’re not to please a partner, or saying you like something that you don’t, or professing that something is okay when it isn’t, immediately notice and name it. Then check in with yourself to see if you’re fearful or need to feel and release emotions. (See page 97.) If you are fearful, take time out to reassure the scared part of yourself. Remind yourself that you’re loved and loveable as you are. Nobody else matters enough for you to abandon yourself again.

  So many of my relationships during my high school and college years went the same route: I met someone, instantly fell in love, and spent every possible waking hour with him, but stopped doing the things I enjoyed doing and stopped taking care of myself. I adopted my partner’s interests, friends, music, and tastes, and ended up immersing myself so much that the old me was no longer recognizable. Before long, I’d start to resent him, even though it was me who actively let myself go. I’ve learned since that one of the biggest gifts we can give ourselves and the person we love—and the relationship on the whole—is our commitment to remain who we really are and to purposefully carve time and space for ourselves to be able to do so.

  —GA

  When I’ve met someone I like, I do three things. I make sure he sees me without my makeup on; I make sure I sing out loud (I love to sing but am virtually tone deaf, so he needs to be able to handle that); and I disclose my vulnerability. I don’t do this to push someone away but to make sure that he wants me for who I really am, with all my so-called imperfections. Like everyone else, I long to be loved, and I try to keep myself honest by being real.

  —JN

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  BEING PERFECTLY IMPERFECT

  If we don’t embrace our so-called imperfections, then how can we expect anyone else to? If you feel yourself starting to fear that you’re not measuring up to contemporary notions of what women are expected to be, remind yourself that they are unrealistic, and instead of trying harder, do the opposite.

  If you’re ashamed of your singing voice, sing out loud. If you worry about your weight, wear something tight. If you wear foundation because you believe that your skin tone is too uneven, try not wearing it at all.

  Do whatever it takes to remind you and those around you that you are real and three-dimensional. You’re not a cutout from a magazine, so don’t erase those parts of yourself that don’t fit the image. Show the world that you are perfect just the way you are.

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  Sexual Love

  Sexual attraction is all too easily confused with love. It’s often tempting to mistake being wanted sexually for being loved or liked for who we are. And if we’re feeling insecure, it can be tempting to use sex to foster a feeling of closeness and bridge the gap.

  But sex—and the feelings it releases—can mask underlying issues and blind us to the reality of a situation. By the time we realize our needs aren’t going to be met, we can find it hard to leave because we’ve become invested and/or attached.

  So really get to know them first and try waiting for a period of time before having sex. Set yourself a time frame. A month? Two? A particular number of dates? It may seem impossible, but anyone really interested in you will be happy to wait.

  * * *

  THE NO-HARM RULE

  Once you’re sure you want to be sexually involved with someone, use the No-Harm Rule to protect your emotional, psychological, and spiritual well-being. Whatever you want goes, as long as you don’t harm yourself or someone else. That means taking responsibility for your sexual and reproductive health. It also means not saying yes when you want to say no and not pretending to like something you don’t in order to please another. Lying to someone else to make him or her happy does both parties a big disservice.

  The No-Harm Rule means you don’t objectify yourself, either. Society encourages us to mistake self-objectification for freedom. But if you’re contorting yourself into a sexual paradigm that is designed to please the male gaze, then however powerful it might make you feel, at some level you’re still abandoning yourself and therefore harming yourself.

  * * *

  Sexting or having anonymous sex with someone you’ve just met online can similarly feel like an act of freedom, but if you’re risking your sexual and emotional health, it’s really a form of self-harm. So roll the tape forward. Ask yourself how you’ll feel the day after. Treat yourself as you’d treat anyone else you love: gently, kindly, and with respect.

  Healthy sex is fun and can be a fantastic release, but it shouldn’t be the emotional glue to fix a faltering relationship. And, of course, you don’t need a partner to have a healthy sex life. You can learn to self-pleasure so that your unmet sexual longings don’t drive you into the arms of someone you wouldn’t want to be with otherwise.

  * * *

  OMG YES!

  Our need for sexual release is no different from any of our other physical needs. It’s healthy and natural, but, as women, we’ve often been taught to fear and conceal it.

  Whereas for men masturbation is taken as a given, for women there is still a
stigma. Getting to know your own sexual needs and how to meet them will make you feel more of an agent and less of an object. Plus, you’ll know what brings you pleasure. It’s hard to have an equal and reciprocal sexual relationship if you’re not aware of how your own body works.

  You can find techniques online at websites such as OMGYes (www.omgyes.com). Your clitoris has eight thousand nerve endings—double the nerve endings in the glans of a penis—and exists solely to give you pleasure.

  There are also health benefits. Masturbation is associated with improved cervical and cardiovascular health, increased pelvic floor strength, and better sleep.2 Remarkably, it can also lower the risk of type 2 diabetes.

  So shed any lingering shame and acknowledge and meet your natural needs.

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  Love or Infatuation?

  Infatuation and falling in love can both feel like a kind of glorious madness. At first, it can be hard to distinguish between the two. But if it’s the real thing, it’ll be congruent with who you are. You won’t be ashamed to introduce your partner to your friends, and you won’t make excuses for him or her. You’ll genuinely like the person for who he or she is. And you’ll find that sexual chemistry will be less important than soul connection. You may discover that attraction comes after rather than before you get close.

  Infatuation, on the other hand, relies on fantasy. Its bubble will burst if it comes into contact with reality. Sometimes intense sexual chemistry is an indicator of infatuation—you need the sexual high to feel okay about yourself or who you’re with. There’s a fantastic saying in twelve-step meetings: if your eyes meet across a crowded room, run like hell. That instant chemistry can be a sign that you’ve met someone who fits your childhood template rather than someone who feels “right” for healthy reasons. If you find yourself having to stay “high” to keep the fantasy alive, you’re probably denying aspects of your partner or yourself. Sooner or later, the giddy phase will wear off, and you’ll find out whether it’s real or not.

  If it is real, you’ll like the person you’re dating. You’ll have a real friendship and want the best for him or her. It’s at that point the journey really begins.

  The Three Stages of Romantic Love

  All relationships go through phases—especially those that last long term. First comes the honeymoon, which usually lasts between six and eighteen months. For that period, we’re on a natural high, and our partner can do little wrong.

  Next comes the power struggle, where most relationships get stuck. The qualities we fell in love with are now often the ones we find most intolerable. We once loved them for being so outgoing; now we resent them for not being around enough. We loved them for being sensitive; now they appear weak or needy. We can feel shocked at how our loved ones have morphed before our very eyes. Of course, they haven’t: reality has just punctured the projections we thrust onto them.

  True love is not a strong, fiery, impetuous passion. It is, on the contrary, an element calm and deep.

  —ELLEN G. WHITE (1827–1915), author and cofounder of the Seventh-day Adventist Church

  Many couples remain in this power struggle for the rest of their lives or for as long as the relationship lasts. Each tries to get his or her needs met, often dancing to the same emotional tune learned in childhood. Even if one partner gives in, the tension bubbles beneath the surface.

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  THE INTIMACY DANCE

  Most of us will have relationship issues with intimacy and will dance the intimacy tango: one partner stepping back as the other steps forward. If you find yourself caught in this dance, notice and name what you’re frightened of—it’ll likely be fear of abandonment or engulfment. Use the Essentials to self-care (food, exercise, rest, and appreciation) to anchor yourself so that you needn’t retreat or encroach.

  * * *

  If you’re lucky and do the work, you can reach the third stage: where the power struggle is over, a sacred space is created, and the issues that emerge within the relationship are seen as opportunities for the two partners to support each other in healing and spiritual growth.

  The Magic of Listening

  Listening is love in action.

  —KATHERINE WOODWARD THOMAS, marriage and family therapist, and author of the bestselling Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Even After.

  Listening is an act of love that we can practice in all our relationships. But, ironically, the closer the relationship, the harder it can be to really hear what the other person is saying.

  A lot of the time, what we call listening is actually just waiting for our turn to speak. And while we wait, we’re working out what we’re going to say rather than really hearing what is being said to us.

  It is only through listening that we get to the truth. Otherwise we just react to what we think the other person is asking or doing. And that’s how conflict starts.

  * * *

  Exercise 3: Magic Listening

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  This exercise will teach you a style of listening that will transform your interactions, not just with partners but with children, friends, and work colleagues as well.

  Sit opposite your listening partner, near enough to hold hands but not so close that you’re invading each other’s personal space—ideally a few inches apart, knee-to-knee. Both of you take five deep breaths in and out. Then set a timer for an agreed length of time so that you can each have the same amount of uninterrupted Magic Listening.

  You will each have an opportunity to say whatever is on your mind. There’s just one rule: keep everything you say to “I” statements. Start each statement with “I feel . . .” or “I understood . . .” Don’t accuse the other person. This isn’t an argument; it’s an opportunity to talk about your thoughts and feelings without blame.

  At intervals, the listener repeats back to the person what he or she has said, using that person’s own words. It’s important that you use the other person’s words. If you substitute your own, you’re likely to give them your own spin, and the other person won’t feel heard. You might start by saying, “What I heard you say was . . .” and when the other person confirms that you heard correctly, say, “I hear you.”

  When we don’t like what the other person is saying or feel hurt, it can be especially hard to listen. You may need to “park” your feelings—that means not allowing them to overtake you, for this isn’t the time. When the other person has had his or her say, you’ll get your chance to have yours and express your feelings. Remember to stick with “I” statements and stay out of blame.

  Be bold. Take the risk. Give up the desire to control through silence, bully through ranting, or wound by sniping, and give yourself and your relationships the gift of open, loving communication.

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  Empathy

  Hearing another person’s truth helps us to understand and to feel empathy. You might not agree with what you’re hearing—in your mind, the other person is completely wrong—but understanding their reality will help you both.

  Set aside your idea of what he or she should be thinking or feeling and imagine how you would feel if you were in their shoes and had that particular interpretation of events.

  Allow yourself to truly see things from the other’s point of view. You’ll see the other person visibly relax when you show that you’ve not just heard but understood.

  I know I’ve said hurtful things in past relationships. I know I’ve reacted instead of paused. And I feel huge shame. In some cases, I’ve apologized. In others, I am not ready yet, but I feel confident in the knowledge that I’m working my way toward it.

  —GA

  Appreciation

  Often we take people for granted once we’ve known them for a while. It’s easy to spend more time focused on what’s wrong with them rather than celebrating what’s right.

  Try telling someone you love—this can be a partner, a sibling, a child, or a friend—something you appreciate about him or her every day for a week. Make it specific, j
ust as you would a criticism, and include how the quality or action you appreciate makes you feel.

  The harder we find it to think of an appreciation, the more we need to do it. If you’re finding it particularly tough, write a gratitude list specifically about that person every evening. What you focus on grows, so the more you look for someone’s good qualities, the more you’ll find.

  A spiritual advisor encouraged me to start thinking of an ex-partner as my “beloved.” That regardless of our separateness, we will for the rest of our lives be raising two children together, and that makes him one of the most important people in my life, whether I like it or not. As you can imagine, this is not easy, but the times I am able to do it genuinely and instigate my relations with him from a place of love and appreciation rather than resentment, hardness, or, as he says, “againstness,” the more my actual perception shifts. When I practice this actively, my casual thoughts about him have a tendency toward, at the least, neutrality, which is something in and of itself, but sometimes even fondness and (miraculously) deep appreciation and gratitude.

  —GA

  A Nonverbal Solution

  When words fail, try hugging. When we squabble, most of us end up regressing—and toddlers are never good at resolving their disputes. So set aside words if they’re not working and hold each other until the emotional storm passes. Hugging may be the last thing you feel like doing, but just as an angry toddler can be soothed through holding, so can most adults.