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  You can even agree in advance that if you can’t resolve things within thirty minutes of starting to talk, you’ll stop talking and hug. Hold each other until you both feel completely relaxed and then resist the temptation to start talking again. Soothe each other and yourselves by acting kindly. You can also agree in advance that you won’t bring up the subject again for twenty-four hours—and by that time, you might not even remember what you were fighting about.

  Abuse

  Research shows that once someone has crossed the line into behaving abusively he is likely to continue, and the longer women tolerate abuse, the harder they find it to leave.

  Research also shows that although most women think they’d never stand for abuse, it takes an average of thirty-five incidents of violence before a woman reports a partner to the police.3

  If you experience abuse, tell someone immediately. The action of saying it out loud places you one step further away from slipping into denial. If you’re unsure whether or not what has transpired constitutes abuse, check it out with someone else or call a specialist help line for advice. (See the resources section.) You are responsible for your own self-care and that includes, as a priority, not allowing someone else to hurt you.

  If you were abused as a child, then this may be especially hard. If the relationship you’re in now fits the template of “love” you experienced back then, that wounded part of you may convince you that the relationship is “right” even if the behavior is “wrong.” Now that you are an adult, you can tell yourself that it doesn’t matter what you feel; the facts speak for themselves. Nobody is allowed to abuse you. Nobody. There may have been no one around when you were young to protect you, but now there is someone who’s got your back 24/7. That someone is you.

  When I found myself in an abusive relationship, I blamed myself. It catapulted me straight back into being a terrified little girl who wasn’t good enough. I needed to try harder, to jump higher, to please. Despite having qualified as a lawyer and written a book on domestic violence, I was so blindsided that I didn’t even recognize it when it happened. It took a therapist to point out that the situation was abusive. I wanted to understand my partner, but she was firm: abuse is unacceptable. Full stop. She told me to tell the younger, traumatized part of myself very clearly, “This isn’t okay. Nobody is allowed to treat you like this.” And it was only then that I found the ability to leave.

  —JN

  * * *

  PROTECTED BY LAW?

  Until ridiculously recently, the right of men to abuse women was preserved in culture and in law. Marital rape became a crime in the United Kingdom only in 1991, and in all fifty US states in 1993, so legal protection is only a recent reality in the West and is still absent in a staggering 127 other countries across the globe.4

  * * *

  Stay or Go?

  The key to happiness is freedom. The key to freedom is courage. The key to courage is love.

  —KATE TRAFFORD

  Pride masquerading as self-esteem can tell us to quit when the going gets tough. The thing is—and this is a big one—what you don’t heal in this relationship, you are likely to repeat in the next. So that provided you’re not in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship, you can use every relationship as an opportunity to learn.

  If your relationship is going through a difficult phase, it can feel like a relief to move on and start afresh with someone new. But if you haven’t done the work, you’ll be like a guest at the Mad Hatter’s tea party in Alice in Wonderland: you’ll move to a nice, clean place setting, but before long, it’ll look as messy as the last.

  As the saying goes, you can either have the same relationship with lots of different people or lots of different relationships with the same person. If you keep the focus on your part, you’ll grow and heal whether or not your partner changes. When you get to a place where you’re no longer triggered by your partner’s behavior, you’ll know what is right for you in the long term.

  As you engage more in your life, with clarity and integrity, the right solutions follow.

  Love Goes On

  With every good-bye, you learn.

  —JOY WHITMAN

  When a relationship or close friendship ends, we’re often so heartbroken that we feel as if love itself has disappeared. But as hard as it is to remember during those painful times, there is, in fact, an infinite supply of love all around us.

  Every encounter we have—romantic or not—has the potential for true love and connection. Be open to experiencing it in all its many and often unexpected guises. It doesn’t reside in any one person. While we’re yearning for the “special” relationship or wondering how it could have gone wrong, we’re missing out on the love that is readily available.

  Love is always there—just like the sun hiding behind the clouds on an overcast day—waiting for you. It’s an action. It’s a choice. And when you allow love to flow through you by taking loving action, not only will you connect to the never-ending source of love that resides within us all, but also you won’t ever need to feel its absence again.

  Practicing Love in the Wider World

  Give light, and people will find the way.

  —ELLA BAKER (1903–1986), civil rights and human rights activist

  The lessons we learn in our close relationships are easily carried into the world. When we listen, empathize, and appreciate other people, we become peacemakers in our daily interactions.

  From early on in our lives, we learn to divide ourselves into groups: genders, families, classes, teams, towns, countries, nationalities, and ethnicities. We work out who is on our side and who is not. But we can’t foster a sense of solidarity with one group without fostering a sense of “other” toward another. When we focus on our differences, judgement and intolerance follow not too far behind. Then comes hate. That is how feuds, fights, wars, and genocides begin, by focusing on how we differ. Intolerance breeds intolerance. Violence breeds violence—and ultimately entrenchment and terror.

  Love asks that we realize it is our similarities, not our differences, that matter most. Through each of us is sewn a thread of humanity that connects us, one to the other. As human beings, aren’t we, in fact, all on the same side?

  Love does not discriminate—whatever our color, sex, sexual preference, gender identification, religion, class, disability, cultural background. Love is love is love.

  We don’t have to know or even like someone to show love. We can act with love even when we don’t feel it—the bigger the stretch, the greater the gain. The more you give love, the more love you’ll receive.

  Think what would happen if we all started to allow ourselves to feel love for everyone—not just for those in our own special tribe of family and friends but also for everyone we encounter.

  Try starting with strangers. Look for the common humanity that connects you and do your very best to act with love. Then think of those you actively dislike, park your judgement, and look for the tender, wounded part that is present, often hidden, inside every human—the part that is crying out for love. Ignore the outer casing and seek to connect to their hearts.

  Each of us needs and deserves love. You have tools that enable you to process your hurts rather than act them out.

  Refuse to hurt yourself or anybody else. In every situation—small or large—ask yourself, “What would love do?” And do your best to follow the answer.

  Reflection

  Keep your face to the sunshine, and you cannot see a shadow.

  —HELEN KELLER (1880–1968), blind and deaf writer and humanitarian

  It’s often much easier to feel anger, fear, and hate as I focus on the pain and struggles around me. But when I allow myself to settle, I discover that deep beneath my negative emotions, love exists. It’s like the sun behind the clouds on a rainy day. I don’t have to see it to know that it’s still there. If I allow the clouds of judgement and fear to part, and I turn my face up toward it, I will feel love’s warmth.

  A
ction. Today I will meet the gaze of all those I encounter with love.

  Affirmation. I am love.

  Principle 8

  JOY: Living Fully

  Let us dance in the sun, wearing wild flowers in our hair.

  —SUSAN POLIS SCHUTZ, poet

  Joy feels like happiness, only better. It’s generated from within and doesn’t depend on what we have or haven’t got. It’s vital for our well-being and arises in the moment. Joy connects us with a sense of the divine.

  With so much suffering in the world around us, joy can seem like a luxury, an indulgence, but, in fact, it’s the opposite: it is a necessity. When we cut ourselves off from joy we jeopardize our emotional health by leaving ourselves vulnerable to depression and burnout, as well as our ability to connect, which can be of use in the wider world.

  So far on this journey, WE’s Principles have given us tools to heal our emotional wounds, care for our bodies, and calm our chattering minds. WE’s 8th Principle teaches us how to tend to the needs of our souls.

  Joy replenishes our spiritual reserves. When we are joyful, we are resilient and able to relish our lives.

  The Necessity of Joy

  The majority of patients I see admitted for inpatient psychiatric care are there in part because they’ve cared too much. They’ve given more than they’ve got to give.

  —HELEN BACKHOUSE

  Inside each of us is a pilot light—a life force. It’s our job to tend that flame.

  When we’re depressed, our internal light diminishes. If we allow ourselves to become too fearful, it will flicker precariously. Resentment, jealousy, and ambition can smother it, as can overwork or compulsive caretaking.

  But when we feed that flame with joy, it burns gloriously and brightly. Joy is the oxygen we need to keep our inner light aglow. When we find ourselves fatigued, flat, or flagging, turning to joy boosts our energy and our spirit.

  Most of us struggle to live in balance. Often we end up living in a boom-or-bust cycle where we’re either overfunctioning or overwhelmed. We may be fantastic at dealing with crises, but afterward, we’re on the floor because we’ve given all we’ve got and more.

  There’s no virtue in running on empty, no matter how worthy it can make us feel—it risks our emotional, spiritual, and physical health. Life is to be enjoyed, not endured.

  Joy nourishes us. It gives us reserves of spiritual strength to meet life’s challenges by connecting us to a source that is stronger than any of the battles we face.

  Joy Is Always with Us on the Path

  I’m singing, oh, I’m singing in my soul, when the troubles roll, I sing from morn’ till night, it makes my burdens light.

  —SISTER ROSETTA THARPE (1915–1973), gospel singer-songwriter-guitarist

  No matter how difficult life is, joy is always available.

  Our job is to be open, to be curious, and to commit to noticing the extraordinary nature of the ordinary. To make sure we’re not too busy to hear joy’s call.

  Perhaps the roses in the garden you walk past on your way home from work invite you to enjoy their fragrance, or the girl singing by the bus stop makes you stop and listen, or the old set of paints on the shelf above the pile of laundry beckons, or a song thrush calls when you wake in the middle of the night.

  Take care to respond to joy’s call. Each moment will never come again, and every ounce you allow yourself to experience will give you resilience for the road ahead.

  It is those who have a deep and real inner life who are best able to deal with the irritating details of outer life.

  —EVELYN UNDERHILL (1875–1941), British writer and pacifist

  One of the main things that brings me joy in my life aside from my children—who also bring other stuff with them—is meditation. I often access a state of joy when I am meditating, and the chances are that some of that leaks into the rest of my day and therefore my interactions with the world. There is also a good chance that if I have meditated, my experience of my children will feel more joyful, and I will take that away from the interaction rather than the other stuff.

  —GA

  Creativity

  When we open ourselves to our creativity, we open ourselves to the creator’s creativity within us and our lives.

  —JULIA CAMERON, author of The Artist’s Way and other books

  Creativity fosters joy.

  All of us need to create to feel fully alive. We don’t have to do it formally or be “good” at it, whatever that means. Creativity isn’t about being good or bad or skilled or amateur. It’s not about what you produce—it’s about the process of creating. It’s about connecting to the creative flow that pulses through us all.

  Every activity contains within it the opportunity to create. It doesn’t have to fall into the categories that are traditionally thought of as “artistic” to count. Whether you’re tidying a drawer, cooking a meal, or chairing a board meeting, if you tap into your creative flow, you’ll find that it restores, nourishes, and rejuvenates you.

  Creating—in whatever form—brings us into the present moment. It gives us a single point of concentration, which, like meditation, takes us out of the normal passage of time. And in that creative zone, our concerns about past and future slip away.

  * * *

  FLOW

  Psychologists researching happiness discovered that when we are completely absorbed in an activity, we enter a state of flow in which we feel joyful, positive, aligned, and full of energy.1

  For artists and writers, flow is the place where inspiration comes from and ideas arise effortlessly; for athletes, it’s the zone where peak performance is achieved. Flow feels like the “state of being at one with things” described by Eastern religions. All of us can access it if we allow ourselves to use our hands, eyes, ears, voices, and bodies to play and create. Regularly entering into a state of flow is a key component to happiness.

  * * *

  All of us are artists, but many of us have forgotten how to be. Think of those early drawings you did as a girl, before you learned to label them as “good” or “bad.” We often have to strip away layers of conditioning to allow ourselves to create. We have to learn to override the criticisms we received from the art teachers who told us we couldn’t paint and the singing teachers who told us we were off-key. We have to rediscover what we once knew and loved as children and then allow ourselves to do it.

  Your voice is simply your voice, like your nose is your nose. It’s nothing to worry over.

  —SHIVON ROBINSON

  At one time, creativity was simply part of daily life—whether it was painting, letter writing, or sewing. Before television and radio, families and communities used to sing together, irrespective of whether individual voices fitted into formal musical categories.

  The voice that may now be dismissed as off-key would once have had a place and a use. But now we’re so used to hearing commercially recorded voices that we can be dismayed at and judgemental of our own and others. The ubiquitous recording processor Auto-Tune, which “fixes” a singer’s less than perfect pitch, provides the audio equivalent of airbrushing. It gives us a distorted idea of what’s normal.

  So reclaiming your voice through singing is a political act as well as a joy-filled activity. It says that we can be active participants in art rather than just passive consumers.

  When I was seven, my music teacher announced to the class that I was tone deaf. From then on, she’d leave me out when she went around the room getting the other pupils to sing. I didn’t sing out loud from that day onward. In church or at school concerts, I’d lip-sync—I knew all the words and could feel the music flowing through me, but I didn’t dare utter a sound. But when I had my first child, I discovered that the only way to soothe him was to sing to him. I was flabbergasted that my tone-deaf, tuneless renditions of the songs I’d mimed to as a child could stop him from crying. To begin with, I was too self-conscious to let anyone else hear me sing to him, but eventually I realized that if my voice coul
d comfort my son, it couldn’t be all that bad. Now I sing at every opportunity. I sometimes see my friends who have “perfect” voices wince when I fail to hit the correct notes, but I don’t let that stop me. Now that I’ve found my voice, I’m never going to let anyone else ever shame me out of using it.

  —JN

  Nature and Beauty

  People from a planet without flowers would think we must be mad with joy the whole time to have such things about us.

  —IRIS MURDOCH (1919–1991), Irish author

  Awe and wonder generate joy.

  Connecting with nature and allowing yourself to be uplifted by beauty can give you the same experience that the process of creating provides: a moment out of time. There is joy in finding wonder in the delicacy of each leaf, the trillions of atoms joined to make each one of us, the infinite lapping of waves against the shore.

  Every second spent in nature is an opportunity to encounter joy. It is never a waste of time to take the slightly longer route home through the park and allow the leaves dancing in the wind to distract you from your worries.

  Next time you are tangled up in a problem, look at the sky and see what the clouds are doing. Or check out the sunset and take in how extraordinary it is that no two are ever the same. Wherever you are and whatever you are doing, find a moment to connect with nature each day. Let the life force in each growing thing inspire and nourish you.

  What a wonderful life I’ve had! I only wish I’d realized it sooner.

  —COLETTE (SIDONIE-GABRIELLE COLETTE, 1873–1954), French writer